I’m trying to organize a telethon to save Ben Bernanke’s job. Does anyone have Beyonce’s phone number? (I thought she’d be a great addition to the lineup, because “Beyonce” almost looks like “Bernanke.”)

In fact, now that I think of it, why not give the job of Chairman of the Federal Reserve to Beyonce? I bet she could do as good a job as Bernanke. I mean, how hard can it be to keep unemployment in the double digits? I bet I could do that. Plus I can fill out a Brooks Brothers suit as well as anyone, believe that.

But seriously, guys, this telethon is gonna be amazing. I’m looking for a juggler and an R-rated hypnotist and a bear that can ride a bicycle. And Coldplay. If you have any leads, let me know. The future of the stock market depends on it!

Because OMG what happens to the stock market if Bernanke doesn’t get confirmed? It’ll go down lower and lower and lower until there’s no more money left and people might lose their jobs!