The Olympics are underway in snowy Canada. The 2010 Vancouver Olympics will go down in history as the most entertaining Olympics that have ever been known. We wish success and blessings to all the athletes, even those who choose to compete against our nation.

Keeping up with the Olympics can be overwhelming. But if you take your time and pay attention, you can find the Olympics to be a rewarding experience in your life, creating memories for you to savor in your superannuated decrepitude.

Follow these tips:

1. Points and grades: Learn how to score Olympic events. Whether it’s a clock (used in a race), or a judge (used in figure-skate-dancing), or a grading scale (used in ski-racing), you won’t know who won if you don’t know how to interpret the various measurements. Learn them all.

2. Cars and trucks: The Winter Olympics are a great occasion to look at various cars and trucks that you don’t see in regular environments. Because there’s so much snow and ice at the Olympics, you’ll probably see vehicles outfitted with special snow-related-thing-a-ma-bobs, like snow tires and snow camouflage, etc. It’ll be great, when you’re looking at them on your TV and talking to your friends about them, like, “Did you see that one truck in the background with the funky windshield wipers? I bet those are for ice storms.”

3. Athletes. Learn the personal stories of all the athletes so you can give a shit when they win a medal or fall down or whatever.

4. Medal count. Which country is the best? Which country will dominate this new decade? There’s only one way to find out: How many medals they win at the Olympics. Take a big sheet of paper and write down the name of every country on earth and then make a grid and check off how many medals each country wins and then you’ll know who’s the best!

More tips soon …