I’m at the Davos Conference … about to go into a meeting with Warren Buffet … text your questions to 44-259-9206-01, press (*) when prompted by my assistant. Then leave the message in the Inbox. I’ll make sure to get an answer to your question!

CAN’T SLOW DOWN!!! ABOUT TO CRASH INTO A SINGLE-PAYER SYSTEM!!!

Hooray, we’re gonna have a good ol’ fashioned spending freeze. That’ll help. My prediction: If the spending freeze goes forward, in one year this country’s gonna be doing pretty well. LOL.

I’m trying to organize a telethon to save Ben Bernanke’s job. Does anyone have Beyonce’s phone number? (I thought she’d be a great addition to the lineup, because “Beyonce” almost looks like “Bernanke.”)

In fact, now that I think of it, why not give the job of Chairman of the Federal Reserve to Beyonce? I bet she could do as good a job as Bernanke. I mean, how hard can it be to keep unemployment in the double digits? I bet I could do that. Plus I can fill out a Brooks Brothers suit as well as anyone, believe that.

But seriously, guys, this telethon is gonna be amazing. I’m looking for a juggler and an R-rated hypnotist and a bear that can ride a bicycle. And Coldplay. If you have any leads, let me know. The future of the stock market depends on it!

Because OMG what happens to the stock market if Bernanke doesn’t get confirmed? It’ll go down lower and lower and lower until there’s no more money left and people might lose their jobs!

We better make sure it happens! Or else the stock market will have a bad week and people’s faith in capitalism would be shaken and we’ll wind up hunting squirrels with sticks.

Overall, it was a pretty good week for liberals. Brown’s election; the complete whiffing of healthcare reform; the Supreme Court ruling on corporate campaign contributions; the death of Air America; the re-ascendancy of Jay Leno and his dough-heeled boot of toothless topical humor … what’s not to like?

WE’RE DOING IT IN 2010!!!

The rumors are true: We’re putting on another comedy show in Beacon, NY. I’m telling you now so you can book your flights.

1. A Democratic congressman walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” The Democratic congressman whimpers, “You’re right, I’m sorry, I never should’ve come in here, it’s all my fault, boo-hoo, please, bend me over, I’ll do whatever you want because I’m a little punk.” The bartender says, “Jesus Christ, you people are pathetic.”

2. What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs wearing a sombrero? I don’t know, but whatever you call it, it’s got about 1,000% more fight in it than these jackass Democrats.

3. A member of the House Democratic Caucus goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you have a broken foot. The good news is, you’re a congressman, which means you have health insurance, which means you’ll be able to get treatment without going totally bankrupt, unlike many of your constituents, who you are actively betraying by thinking only of your electoral prospects. And also,” the doctor continued, “I can’t believe you actually broke your foot by jumping off a bridge just because a Republican told you to. What kind of spineless loser are you? Get out of my office. I can’t stand to look at you.”

4. The entire United States Senate is flying on a plane when its engines start to fail. The plane starts falling through the sky. There are 100 senators on board, but only 41 parachutes. The Democrats say, “Let’s give all the parachutes to the Republicans—that way we can just sit on our fat asses and die while the plane crashes because we’re a bunch of self-hating pussies.”

5. Little Johnny Congressman (D) was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to go pee!” The teacher replied, “Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The proper word is ‘urinate.’ Use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will let you go.” Little Johnny thought for a bit, then said, “If a Republican wanted to urinate on me, I would let him because I have no self-respect.”