9:00 PM That’s it, I’m off to my friend’s house to work on a secret project! (Aka remote-controlled papier mache Guy Fieri that commits a murder so the real G.F. is sent to jail and I take over hosting all his shows.) BYE

8:59 PM I would give that episode of MTWI a B-. Something tells me I will have completely forgotten everything about it in 50 years.

8:58 PM They’re gonna take the money and go home. They are risk-averse. Will anyone ever win a million dollars on this goddamn show? Anyway, good for the twins. They won a lot of money.

8:56 PM Dude, slow your roll! Your rolling the tennis balls too hard! Only needs one more bucket … OH SNAP he did it! $125,000 in the BANK!!! I’m actually kinda pumped right now. That was exciting. MASSIVE FIST BUMP JUST NOW. He’s even hugging Guy Fieri!!! The crowd is hysterical! Hell, even I’m hysterical– you should see me jumping around in my undies right now, pouring tequila all over my head and shaking it like a sexy fox.

8:55 PM They should make a new show for TV: A one hour animated show based on Little House on the Prairie. Just an idea. Waitaminute, waitaminute, next week there’s like 3 days of MTWI in a row, all featuring pretty womyn in bikinis. WTF? I read Gynecology by Mary Daly once. It was wild.

8:54 PM God, these new Lowe’s commercials are riveting. They are kicking Home Depot’s ass right about now.

8:53 PM When will they make a movie starring the Energizer Bunny? That’s not beyond the realm of possibility in today’s crazy world.

8:51 PM Just got a google alert for “artisanal pencil sharpening” from something called “Design Mom blog.” I will definitely be checking that out when MTWI is over …

8:50 PM I’m looking at a bucket of balls. The guy has to roll tennis balls over the broomstick and make them land in some baskets. Is this happening? Is this reality? Is this America? (Who can tell anymore, right?) I would make some jokes here about the “Ground Zero Mosque,” but I’m too exhausted/disgusted with all that. Suffice it to say I hope they build a 200-story-tall mosque and spend all day spitting on Republicans from a great height. GO MUSLIMS!!!

8:49 PM Guy Fieri just checked out her engagement ring and said, “I hope that’s a blood diamond. Blood diamonds turn me on.” (JOKE)

8:46 PM I’m so inside Guy Fieri’s head it’s not even funny. Okay this next challenge is for $125,000. I’m rooting for the twins. This challenge is brand-new; nobody’s ever played it before (I think). Time for the twins to articulate their reasons vis a vis who will take up the mantle. Whoa, whoa, what’s going on? This twin is bringing some love for his twin right now! “You make me feel like the luckiest guy on Earth.” Oh snap, here we go: I called it– Live marriage proposal on Minute To Win It! Giving her the ring!!! Minute to Win It marriage proposal!!! She said YES!!! He gave her the ring!!! MTWI FTW!!! “Dreams come true!”– Guy Fieri (but seriously, though, was her dream to get proposed to on the set of Minute to Win It? Hmm…). But we gotta give respect to the twin who just proposed to his girlfriend– OR SHOULD I SAY FIANCEE?

8:45 PM Take the money and go home, or continue on to more and more difficult challenges? The answer: They will continue on their quest for one million USA American dollars. And so the dance goes on … I think Guy Fieri loves these twins, they bring a masculine enthusiasm that resonates with him.

8:44 PM This guy brought his game face. I’m LOLing at how intense he is. He did it! Holy smokes, there’s about to be a riot in the studio! That was craaaazy! Guy: “We’re gonna need security.” Now he’s doing the “I’m punching my own chest because I am a man and I am happy” move. But you know what? They just won $75,000 so who am I to judge? If I won $75,000 I’d probably eat my own face (and hair) because I’d be so excited.

8:43 PM I can’t believe I just saw that on my tv.

8:42 PM PC Richards & Sons, how dare you???

8:41 PM This blueberry commercial is offensive on ten different levels.

8:40 PM This Toyota commercials beggars belief. (Now I’m just typing stuff so people who aren’t watching the show will wonder WTF is happening.)

8:37 PM Slack-jawed twin alert. That guy was totally slack-jawed, listening to Guy Fieri explaining their options. Now alpha-twin must succeed where his brother failed … but first, these words.

8:33 PM Whoa, nice CGI leopard! That surprised me. This challenge is called– actually, I missed what it’s called. Now one twin is displaying his preferred technique for this challenge to his twin. And the other twin is like, “Maybe I’ll use that technique, or maybe I’ll use my own technique, you’re not the boss of me, Mom always liked you best!” (That’s from my new play: Tennessee Wiliams’s Minute to Win It, aka Psychodrama From the Edge of Yesterday, aka A Streetcar Named Incest.)

8:31 PM Time to bounce some pencils. Hmm … red pencils. Not the iconic yellow #2 I love so much. Damn, though, he’s in the groove. He only needs two more pencils in the glass! But he only has 20 seconds left! He’s gotta do it for his girlfriend because he just talked about how much he loved her! HE DID IT! “Love conquers all.” –Wm. Shakespeare. Damn those twins just hugged the shit out of each other. The girlfriend is about to have a nervous breakdown, she’s so relieved. (Did anyone read that book “Last Night at the Lobster?” I’ve been thinking about reading it for about two years and now I think I should just track down a copy and read it.)

8:30 PM What in the world is happening? I feel like Guy Fieri is about to cry.

8:29 PM We’re back … and the alpha-twin completed the rubber-band challenge. It was for $10,000– not $50,000, as I irresponsibly surmised minutes ago. Now they move on to the $50,000 challenge, which is … “Speed Eraser.” Oh snap, a pencil-related challenge!!! HELL yes. They have to bounce pencils into buckets using the bounciness typical of erasers. “Color me riveted.”

8:28 PM You know what was a good show, at least according to my fuzzy memory? “The Wonder Years.” I feel like that dude learned a lesson on every show.

8:27 PM In ten years, this kid in the Oreo commercial will star in a Noah Baumbach movie about a college DJ who builds dioramas about his parents’ divorce.

8:25 PM This is a commercial about a woman whose wedding was just days away, and then she realized her smile wasn’t white enough, so she bought “Crest White Strips” to make her teeth look nicer. You know what? I can believe that happened. Stuff like that happens every day; just because it’s not on the front page of the newspaper doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

8:24 PM Just look at all those rubber bands. They look like tiny loops of spaghetti on the floor. Whoa, that woman was really excited about him knocking over that card with the rubber band? Did you see her jumping around? Okay, that was the most irresponsible, artless, manipulative cutaway in MTWI history– and that’s saying something. Now I gotta watch some Mazda commercial, all the while wondering if he knocked over that last playing card.

8:22 PM Level Four Challenge: Sharp Shooter. Shoot playing cards with rubber bands. Oh man, not to get distracted, but something smells good outside. Is my neighbor grilling something? I want to know, but on the other hand, I can’t miss this challenge because it’s worth $50,000 (I think). Now the twins are talking about who should take up the rubber-band challenge. Guys watching at home, can we agree the twin in the blue shirt is the alpha twin? He seems to talk more than the other twin.

8:20 PM Blow red ping-pong balls (ppb) off the tray, while keeping the yellow ppb on the tray. “Watch those yellows … softer blow, softer blow!” Damn, he crushed it. Five grand in the bank. Happy music bumpin’, Guy Fieri yellin’, David Rees livebloggin’, it doesn’t get any more regular than this.

8:19 PM These twins are the kind of guys where I can’t tell if they’re 25 or 40. They have the eyes of youth, but the muscles of men. Does that make me sound like Percy Blythe Shelly(sp)?

8:16 PM Instant Commercial Grades:
JC Penney’s Sale: D (borrrring, you’re not Macy’s so don’t try)
Pizza Hut 50-cent Wing Wednesdays: B-
Yoplait Yogurt With Fruit In It: B+ (trippy strawberry yogurt ocean)
Swiffer, the space-age mop that’s putting regular mops out of business: C (Funny mop commercial?)
Emmy Awards With Jummy Fallon: C
Lifetime Movie About A Woman And Murderous Teens, Those No-Good Dirty Teens: A+ (It’s called “Bond of Silence”)
Nissan’s Bottom Line Sales Event: C (“Ah, the banality of Nissan sales commercials.” [Said in weary professor voice])

8:13 PM Okay, this challenge rules. There are 5,000 ping-pong balls on a pizza-pie pan and you have to blow all of them off except for three yellow ping-pong balls. “Guy Fieri, on behalf of the North American ping-pong ball manufacturers, we would like to present you with this lifetime achievement award for supporting ping-pong balls.” Okay, I was so busy being silly I kinda missed when they introduced the twins’ families. Sorry, I let you guys down with that one. All I know is one of ’em has a stepson named Iggy Pop(?!?!) and the other one has a girlfriend he is obviously going to propose to later in the show.

8:12 PM Wait, is this called Egg Dance or Egg Dump? In any case, the guy completed the level! $2,500 in his pocket. Now he’s doing the “Angry-guy-who-is-actually-happy-clap.” Do you know that move? This guy is doing it hard.

8:10 PM Okay, in Egg Dump, they have to run around with some eggs on a tray. And no, I don’t mean SCRAMBLED eggs, I mean … eggs-eggs. (ie, in their natural state like when they come out of the bird). These twins are the kinds of guys who make me feel two inches tall and really nervous, like I’m going to get punched for reading the wrong blogs.

8:07 PM Instant commercial grades:

TIDE ACTI-LIFT: B+
ENERGIZER BATTERIES: D+
MACY’S ONE-DAY SALE: C (looks like a good sale)
The Switch (a movie): B (I think it’s a comedy about getting pregnant incorrectly)
McDonalds: C+ (First-person shooter with burrito? Confusing.)
Mun2 “The Look”: D (Because I couldn’t tell what the product was)
The Apprentice Television Program Starring the Indomitable Donald Trump: A+ (what can I say? He’s gonna drag this nation out of the recession kicking and screaming)

8:06 PM Whoa, the second twin just destroyed that challenge. He totally “faced” his brother. (By “brother,” I mean “other twin.”) Okay guys, the enthusiasm feels a wee little bit off to me. Next challenge: EGG DUMPS.

8:05 PM If I was a licensed psychotherapist, instead of just a hobbyist, I would say these twins have a lot of enthusiasm, but that they need a fashion consultation.

8:04 PM This challenge involves whiffle (wiffle?) balls and baskets. And this contestant really stinks at it. Ladies and gentlemen, we might be witness to twin murder this evening, in which one twin murders the other twin because he couldn’t do the thing with the thing.

8:03 PM Is Guy wearing the same shirt as last week? The eggplant number with the British(?) style cuffs? “I never forget a shirt,” that’s my motto. I’m a bit of a fashion hound, if you don’t know. And yes, I am wearing ALL my favorite brands right now.

8:02 PM “I think if we started with enthusiasm points, you guys would already have a million.” –Guy Fieri, once again exaggerating for rhetorical impact. If I hosted MTWI, this wouldn’t happen. Okay, the twins are ready to go with their first challenge.

8:01 PM Hooray! It’s Minute to Win It’s twin edition! Two twins will compete together and try for a million dollars! Guys at home, guess which twin’s hairstyle I like more? It’s a free guessing game.

8:00 PM We meet again, Guy Fieri. May God have mercy on your soul.

7:59 PM Good backpack commercial. Oh! They sell shoes, too. This business is called “Sports Authority.” They have the authority to sell backpacks and shoes.

7:58 PM Liveblogging speed test: fasflkj;lkvjad f;lkasjdf;dlkfj a;dslkfj asd;flk jasdf;lk asjf;ksj df;akdj fas;kldf jas;dlfjk as;dfklj sa;dlfkj asdf;klajs ;dlkfjga;slkfj adfl;kj … Yeah, we got this! I typed all that in less than 20 seconds.

7:50 PM In ten minutes our favorite show, which is called “Minute to Win It,” will start. The sky looks amazing right now. Everything is salmon-colored: the lawn, the clouds, the flowers … even the blogs. That means tonight’s liveblog will be as beautiful as salmon (the fish) itself … (You see, I believe in signs and symbols.)

Is it Wednesday again? I can’t believe how these Wednesdays keep coming and coming, relentless, like dogs chasing me out of a cemetery.

Anyway, I’ll be liveblogging Minute to Win It tonight at 8:00 PM EST. Check local listings! Or better yet, don’t, because I just told you everything you need to know.

A typical vacation afternoon in the Rees house: I’m googling “artisanal pencil sharpening” while my mom weaves baskets and my dad reads the obituaries.

My dad is talking about how sometimes obituaries say “So-and-so died,” but sometimes they say “So-and-so has returned home” or “So-and-so left this world for the next one,” or whatever.

Of course, this led to a discussion of how my dad wants his obituary to read. He’s a modest person who likes Shaker furniture so of course he wants to keep it simple; he wants the lede to be: “Philip Rees died.”

Then he thought and said, “I want it to read: ‘Philip Rees died after a courageous battle with boredom and pointlessness …'”

Dude, we about had to write my obituary on that one, because I was DYING with laughter.

But then we realized: The very fact that his would be the greatest opening sentence in obituary history actually meant his life had not been pointless!

It’s like Death is a snake made out of newspaper obituaries eating its own tail or something! Total mind-blow. We had to eat tomato sandwiches just to keep our minds from melting.