Here’s a nice write-up of my business in the LA Times book blog.
So far, Rees is the leader in the field. “Nobody else is doing what I do,” he said. “I guarantee an authentic interaction with your pencil. What electric pencil sharpener can say that? The X-ACTO XLR 1818? The Royal 16959T? Don’t make me laugh.”
Guy Fieri, I’m coming for your jobs. Don’t sleep.
It wasn’t until Guy Fieri had autographed a yellow bell pepper with a Sharpie marker and tossed it to a fan, sprayed the people in the orchestra seats with a bottle of water and vigorously denounced the induction stove he was about to use onstage (“Give me flame or give me death!â€) that his fans settled down. It didn’t last.
Actually, this article makes me sorta love him. Like the old saying says: “Don’t judge a man until you walk a mile in his goatee.”
If I get to N.C. in time I will live-blog “Minute to Win It” at 8:00 PM EST Wednesday!
Thanks to long-time reader SM for sending along the latest juice-related news:
After stirring up competition in the coffee business, McDonald’s Corp. is now making its mark in smoothies, irking at least one high-end purveyor of fruit juice concoctions.
On Monday, the burger giant reported its highest monthly same-store sales gain since January 2009, thanks in part to sales of its new smoothies and other cold beverages.
Smoothie purveyor Jamba Juice Co. (sic; the proper spelling is “Jurmbuh Juice” –ed.) isn’t taking the smoothie assault lying down. The Emeryville, Calif., company has been running a fake ad on YouTube mocking the idea of a burger chain getting into the business of smoothies.
SCORCHED EARTH
It makes me sad to see people sharpen their pencils with a machine. I believe #2 pencils need a human touch — a warmth and tenderness completely foreign to electric pencil sharpeners.
Basically, I’m the John Henry of pencil sharpeners. I’ll die with a pencil in my hand.
Behold: Our latest Artisanal Pencil Sharpening print, “Man Vs. Machine!” This beauty is available in a signed, numbered edition of 50. Available NOW at http://artisanalpencilsharpening.com/. (Thanks to the amazing Mike Houston of Cannonball Press.)
Our previous pencil-sharpening print sold out in mere weeks, so act quickly to secure your copy of this one!
“Safety Goggles a Must.”
Thanks to reader (and pencil customer) JG for sending along this link, which offers the most comprehensive synopsis of Nate Dogg and Warren G’s “Regulate” I have ever read:
On a cool, clear night (typical to Southern California) Warren G travels through his neighborhood, searching for women with whom he might initiate sexual intercourse. He has chosen to engage in this pursuit alone.
Nate Dogg, having just arrived in Long Beach, seeks Warren. On his way to find Warren, Nate passes a car full of women who are excited to see him. Regardless, he insists to the women that there is no cause for excitement …
ALSO:
Warren, unaware that Nate is surreptitiously observing the scene unfold, is in disbelief that he is being robbed. The perpetrators have taken jewelry and a name brand designer watch from Warren, who is so incredulous that he asks what else the robbers intend to steal. This is most likely a rhetorical question.
AND:
The third verse is more expository, with Warren and Nate explaining their G Funk musical style. Warren displays his bravado by claiming that individuals with equivalent knowledge could not even attempt to approach his level of lyrical mastery.
And the rest is hip-hop history:
9:06 PM LATE-BREAKING NEWS: This show called America’s Got Talent is amazing! “And that’s the news from Lake Woebegyone.”
8:57 PM This show is inside my head now. I want Nathan to win it! But oh no! Game over! They won $250,000. And also they won our hearts, and that’s worth more than money. (Just kidding, money rules everything! C.R.E.A.M.) See you next week! I’ll be liveblogging MTWI from North Carolina; it’ll be amazing!
8:55 PM They’ve switched: Now Chelsea is doing the spoon game. She took off her jacket — she’s wearing a 25th century exercise outfit from Moon-Base Alpha. Uh-oh! They failed again! Maybe they won’t win the million bucks … my credibility as a Minute to Win It sage is in jeopardy …
8:54 PM They should call this show “Redundant Interview Showcase.”
8:53 PM Come on, Nathan. Use the spoon to hit the marbles, or whatever. Umm… wait, this looks easy to me. Ugh. One fell off the table. “Level 9, FAILED.” Only two lives remaining — then the contestants are literally murdered.
8:49 PM Oh great, the Million Dollar Mission: “Super Coin, the Game That Can Never Be Won By Any Mortal.” Oh shit, though: I really, really, really like this audience contestant. “Big D.” Oh shit, I just dropped a literal LOL on this kid. Please, please, please, “Big D,” win this insanely impossible challenge!!!
8:47 PM I’m going to kill whoever decided to use “Free To Be You And Me” in a Target commercial. We all hate Target now, right? I mean, they’re supporting some dickhead homophobe politician, right? What’s the difference between Target and Wal-Mart? (Serious question.)
8:45 PM My Nathan-verdict it in: Back tattoos, not hair. Now he’s gotta mess with this spoon for $500,000. “Get rich or die tryin’.” Eat, Pray, Love trailer alert! Wouldn’t it have been funny if they named it “Eat, Pray, Or Love, You May Only Choose One”?
8:44 PM Nice! This challenge is like pinball, but with spoons and marbles. I think Chelsea whitened her teeth. Does everybody do that now?
8:43 PM Get that money!!!!!!!
8:40 PM Horseshoe blowing game begins … NOW! Gaydar readings are off the charts right now. (Those watching at home know what I mean.) He’s about to win $250,000! DONE. They’re winning a million bucks. I will bet anyone a million bucks about that. The producers aren’t dumb. Somebody’s gotta win big. Nathan is going BUCK right now; he’s so excited. We’re having a complete reality breakdown right now on the TV.
8:36 PM This is for a quarter-million dollars. Go Nathan! Do the thing with the horseshoes! Oh wait, first we have a commercial. Instant commercial grades begins now:
SHOUT COLOR CATCHER: C+
DUNKIN’ DONUTS ICE MOCHA BEVERAGES: C-
ORAL-B TOOTHBRUSH: B+ (the music is good, the setting is a little surreal. One of my favorite toothbrush commercials)
APPLEBEE’S: B (A “B” for Applebee’s, how ironic is that?)
SAMSUNG GALAXY S: D+ (You’re really gonna watch Avatar on a phone? Please.)
HYUNDAI UNCENSORED: A+ Fuck yeah, I’m feeeeeeling this commercial! Secret cameras in Hyundais, and they show us footage of people being like, “Goddamn I love this fucking Hyundai!” That’s like my favorite kind of thing in the world, it’s like the Friday Face-Offs of car commercials.
8:35 PM Now they have to mess around with some horseshoes. They have to blow a ball into a horseshoe, I think. SIDE NOTE: Goddamn Nathan’s biceps are looking gyooood tonight.
8:34 PM Sometimes I find Minute to Win It a little emotionally manipulative. I wish Werner Herzog would direct an episode.
8:30 PM Does Nathan have a back tattoo or just a hairy back? I can’t tell. Can someone in the studio audience te– HOLD ON wait a minute Nathan is talking about his time in the military. Is it DADT? Oh wait no, it’s about his dad died of cancer. Oh shit, these dudes are TOTALLY gonna win a million dollars. I can’t call this hard enough. Oh wait, his dad is still alive? I’m confused about his personal story. Oh shit Guy Fieri is upping the ante by talking about how his sister has cancer? We’re on some high-drama ish right now! This ish is getting sooo intense! Music is tugging the heartstrings right now!!! We’re about to see some people win a cool million or my name isn’t “World’s Greatest Minute to Win It Liveblogger …”
8:29 PM Okay. I’m going into Sy Hersh mode again. The producers are stacking it so these guys win a millie. They just did a damn cereal box puzzle in like 20 seconds.
8:25 PM Outsourced, the hot new comedy that I have now seen 100 ads for, will be a big hot huge failure (my prediction).
8:22 PM My new liveblog feature is called “Instant Commercial Grades.” It begins now.
WENDY’S AD: B-
SUBARU AD: A
RADIO SHACK AD: C
YOPLAIT DELIGHTS AD: C+
LOWE’S AD: A- (I love the woman in this ad) /
CREST PRO HEALTH TOOTHPASTE AD: F (Booooorrrrrrriiiinnngggg)
8:21 PM This challenge is called “The Goat-Carcass Scramble.” They have to rearrange all the body parts of a dead goat. (“Fake challenge joke” never gets old for me.)
8:20 PM Why are her shorts so short and tight? Is that the style for game-show contestants? You never saw that on $ale of the Century (one of my all time faves).
8:17 PM I can’t tell WHAT the hell this $75,000 challenge is about. It’s called “Layin’ Track.” I hope they have to lay down a hot track over a Prince Paul beat. Freestyle rap battle begins now! You have to rap a whole song in one minute! Just kidding, what they have to do is create a track made out of staples and use it to guide a marble over some erasers. Basically, somebody was smoking some “hurb” in the office and got reaaaaally nice ‘n’ baked and developed this game, right? This show is about smoking drugs and winning money. I bet the executive producer is secretly Lil Wayne. Anyway, guess what? Chelsea just cold-won $75,000! These two contestants are gonna win a goddamn million dollars tonight — I’m calling it now.
8:16 PM Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was arrested! I didn’t know “Having a huge douchebag for a father” was a crime …
8:15 PM Hell yes! It’s about time Stop & Shop got a good commercial. It’s a pretty jamming supermarket.
8:14 PM That Wheat Thins commercial was basically my ultimate fantasy. Some guy shows up at your house and drops off 10,000 boxes of Wheat Thins? “Where do I sign up?”
8:13 PM I’m going to run to the kitchen and grab a bottle of beer. I’ll be right back. Email me if something insane happens in the next 30 seconds, beginning …. NOW.
8:10 PM Umm … could this challenge be any easier? Chelsea and Nathan are straight dominating right now. Who thought this was an appropriate $50,000 challenge? Somebody’s head better be on the chopping block for that. That was like a $40.92 challenge!!! Oh snap, it’s time to learn about the contestants’ families. Chelsea is a “daddy’s girl,” and Nathan is a soldier. But you know what? I just heard a tingle on my ol’ gaydar. I think Nathan might be gay. That means Chelsea and Nathan won’t get married! And goddamn, their parents still look younger than me, even a week later! (Because remember when I mentioned that last week?)
8:08 PM Oh, for God’s sake, stop promoting the Million Dollar Coin-Flip Challenge, we all know nobody will ever win it. Anyway, back to “Bouncer,” which involves ping-pong balls and pint glasses. You can play this game at home, just text 23592 to “MinuteWinIt” and Guy Fieri will drive to your house and eat your nachos while you play.
8:07 PM That was a pretty effective McDonald’s commercial. It was about going to Mickey D’s and buying a frappe and drinking it all by yourself: “Me Time.”
8:05 PM Next contest is called “BOUNCER.” Aaaaand … immediately go to commercial. I’d love to know how much crack cocaine the editors of this show smoke every day. Fifty pounds per editor? Mixed with Gatorade Frost for extreme high-energy madness?
8:04 PM Gotta admit my arch-enemy Guy Fieri is shining right now, revealing the can-tab-amount-stickers. Milk it, Guy! Loving this — Chelsea and Nathan (sorry, “Nate”) just won $10,000! I hope they win a million dollars and spend it all on a completely crazy wedding.
8:03 PM Umm, did Chelsea just call Nathan “Nate?” That implies a certain shall we say familiarity, a certain EROTIC KNOWLEDGE that is without precedence on Minute to Win It … can he sort the cans in time? SEX IS IN THE AIR ON MINUTE TO WIN IT, IF YOU ASK ME …
8:01 PM This challenge involves soda cans filled with coins. They must sort (or “file”) the cans. I would CRUSH this event b/c I love sorting and filing. I even used to make cartoons about it. (Ask my grandmama, she’ll tell you all about it. It was back in the dial-up days.) Here goes Nathan …
8:00:45 PM Chelsea and Nathan are BACK! My favorite contestants are deeeeeep in the game at this point … I predict love in their future, if not wedding bells! I love these guys, I hope I can liveblog their wedding. (Did I tell you about my new business plan? Wedding Liveblogger. Call me for my rates.)
8:00 PM Here we go! Another summer Wednesday … another episode of “Minute to Win It” … another liveblogging spectacular NOW IN HIGH-DEFINITION INTERNET… I love it, you love it, and America (our country) loves it …
I’m finally back from Chelsea’s wedding. Thanks for everyone who wrote asking if I was okay. I am okay. I’m more than okay. I had the most amazing time with all my new friends!
Anyway, I’ll be liveblogging Minute to Win It tonight at 8:00 PM EST. See you then!
I live pretty close to Rhinebeck, which is where Chelsea Clinton is getting married tomorrow. I’m going to drive there and liveblog the wedding.
What could go wrong? I’ll just make my own laminated badge that says “OFFICIAL WEDDING BLOGGER” and bring my “fancy” laptop (not my casual-Friday laptop, the one with the silk trim) and walk into the mansion(?) where she’s getting married and get to liveblogging.
Guys, it’s a-gonna be a-great.
The web site True/Slant is shutting down this weekend. I was an occasional contributor. As a favor to you, I have compiled the 10 best articles T/S ever published.