Just back from the gas station … you would not believe some of the things I saw! Doesn’t anyone know how to play the scratch tickets anymore? I thought this was America, land of the scratch ticket! What is this, communist China, land of randomly scratching every which way with no strategy?

“Don’t scratch the ticket unless you know where the money is,” that’s what my scratch yogi used to tell me.

Also: “The ultimate itch … is not to scratch.” He used to say that, too. Then he would burn all our scratch tickets right in front of our eyes, and say: “No more scratch tickets tonight. Go make me some soup.”

This was on top of a mountain, mind you, at a very exclusive scratch-ticket ashram.

I can’t wait to show you the secrets of winning scratch tickets at my lecture on Monday! Please let twitter know about it!