ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END, AND SO HERE IT IS: THE FINAL BEST OF 2012 LIST OF THE YEAR. This is the list you’ve all been waiting for — the industry standard that makes the whole industry stand up and take notice. This particular list is the greatest list of all time, and anyone who disagrees doesn’t understand, on some fundamental level, what lists are.

So here it is: THE TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2012!

10. Decent cars

9. Used cars

8. Pretty nice cars

7. “Whoa, that’s a nice car!”

6. (TIE) Scion car by Toyota / Dude Where’s My Car

5. Sports cars

4. Hybrid cars that smell like soap when you accelerate

3. (TIE) “Now, fellas, hold on to your hats when you see this next car — this right here? Is probably the best car I’ve ever had the pleasure of selling on this here car lot where I sell my cars. This car is the car of your dreams, gentlemen. So get ready for some of the best dreams you done ever had about this here car right here. It’s called a Mercury GT7 by Ford Cars.” / Sunroofs

2. Most cars

1. Trucks

That’s it for my lists! Have a Happy New Year and I’ll see you in 2013 on my blog.

Sincerely, David Rees

FROM “DON’T HAVE A COW,” TO “WHAT’S SO FUNNY” (FROM THE JOKER), A YEAR IS ONLY AS GOOD AS ITS CATCHPHRASES — THOSE SPOKEN TOKENS OF A YEAR’S SITUATIONS. Because of all the historical events of 2012, from revolutions in the Middle East to Superstorm Sandy to all the hot pop songs we heard at the club after work, we truly were blessed with catchphrases in the year of 2012.

In fact, if we had to sum up 2012’s abundance of catchphrases with a single catchphrase, it’d probably be, “Better get a baseball mitt to catch these catchphrases!”

But instead, let’s just list the TOP TEN CATCHPHRASES OF 2012:

10. “Tweet my username in 2012”

9. “Later for you in 2012”

8. “Fiscal cliff”

7. “Happy St. Patrick’s Day”

6. “Thank God for what just happened”

5. “2012 is oh-ficially off the HOOK”

4. (TIE) “Did you vote in the election? See ya wouldn’t wanna be ya if you didn’t vote” / “Yo mama so ugly her mirror fell off”

3. “The rich get richer but the poor get dirt sandwiches”

2. (TIE) Current events-related catchphrases / “Best. Umbrella. Mishap. Ever.”

1. Shakespeare, the greatest of all time

A YEAR IS DEFINED BY ITS QUOTES — THOSE FIRST-PERSON STATEMENTS THAT SUM UP EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN A YEAR. Would you be surprised to learn that 2012 had some of the most iconic quotes of the year?

Politicians, celebrities, and even television personalities had something to say in 2012, and those are called “quotes,” and they have little marks — “quotation marks” — and that announces the quotability of the quotes, and that’s what sets apart a quote from a regular statement.

On the other hand, even regular people sometimes make quotes. Think back to the last time you read a magazine: There was probably an article about the new Hobbit movie, and the reporter probably got a “quote” from a regular person, like this:

Tony from Palo Alto, a repairman, said: “I’m excited to watch that new Hobbit movie.”

That, right there, is a quote — exactly the kind of first-person statement we celebrate with this list. So, with a tip of the hat to Tony the Repairman, let’s celebrate THE BEST DIFFERENT QUOTES OF 2012:

10. Funny quotes

9. Quotes that sum up an event

8. Quotes that personalize a huge event so that we can understand it on a personal level

7. Quotes where you’re like, “Daaaamn I can’t believe he said that!”

6. Quotes where you’re like, “God bless you for that wonderful quote that made me cry.”

5. Quotes from the news

4. Quotes from movies

3. Quotes that one person says and another person agrees or disagrees

2. Simply put, some of the best quotes ever

1. Quotes from quote books

“PLACES EVERYBODY! LIGHTS, CAMERA … MOVIES!” WHAT ELSE CAN WE SAY ABOUT THE CINEMATIC ARTS? Movies are the greatest art form ever invented. When the lights go down in the theatre, we reach into our bags of popcorn and settle in for two hours of powerful transformation — just remember to turn off your cell phones!

Movies, can transport us to worlds, countries, and cities we’ve never seen — and they can be set in the future or the past. (I’d like to see a book do that, or better yet, don’t; I’d hate to see a book get a sprained ankle trying to keep up!)

2012 was a historic year for movies: Not only did we see movies about President Lincoln and Batman 3, we also saw movies about James Bond and Toy Story 3! “Good things come in threes,” so it’s no surprise everybody saw at least three movies this year. It was just that kind of year: A MOVIE YEAR.

Without any more to-do, let’s roll out the red carpet and celebrate the TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2012:

10. Movies with car chases

9. Movies with action/adventure

8. Movies with comedy

7. Movies with togetherness themes

6. Historical movies

5. (TIE) Imagination-based movies / Foreign movies with extended bubblebath scenes

4. Family movies

3. Academy-Award winning movies

2. Movies where you get $5,000,000 every time you watch it — does anyone know if this exists?

1. The most wonderful movies

2012 WAS EXTRAORDINARY, BUT IN ONE ASPECT IT WAS NO DIFFERENT FROM ANY OTHER YEAR: When we needed to keep our papers from flying around, we reached for our turtle paperweights.

Here are the TOP TEN TURTLE PAPERWEIGHTS OF 2012:

10. Iron turtle paperweights

9. Painted-rock turtle paperweights

8. Brass turtle paperweights

7. “What a nice turtle paperweight”

6. The coolest turtle paperweights

5. Adorable turtle paperweights

4. Enormous turtle paperweights: “Yo, is that a turtle paperweight or a turtle whole-desk-weight?”

3. Antique turtle paperweights

2. The greatest turtle paperweights of 2012

1. The greatest turtle paperweights of all time

NOTHING SAYS “MODERN LIFE” LIKE A PICTURE OF A CAT IN YOUR EMAIL INBOX OR ON YOUR WEB. For all the damage the internet has done, and all the ways it’s made our lives worse, it still can’t be beat when it comes to sharing photos of cats that just plain make you smile (and maybe, also, “things that make you go hmm-mm?” with a cat).

Thanks to social media and buzz sites, 2012 will always be remembered as the year cat photos finally grew up. We saw photos of cats making grumpy faces, cats wearing suits of armor like a medieval knight, and cats driving trucks and even breaking the speed limit. “Cat Photo For President 2012” was heard at all the major political rallies this year, as was “My Favorite Singer Is Cat Photos Online 2012” also heard at big concerts from Madison Central Garden to the hottest underground clubs.

So get ready for a warm, fuzzy feeling as we review THE BEST CAT PHOTOS OF 2012:

10. Silly cat photos

9. Funny cat photos

8. Adorable cat photos

7. “Can you believe this cat photo?”

6. “Just another day of amazing cat photos, God bless me for being alive in this time of miracles”

5. Satirical cat photos

4. “Meow meow, vote for Romney”

3. Cautionary cat photos

2. Almost the best cat photos

1. The best cat photos

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER UMBRELLA MISHAP. You see it all around you: Good umbrellas gone bad. One of the modern world’s delights is to watch a fancy person in nice clothes struggle with his or her umbrella. And is it just my imagination, or was 2012 AN AMAZING YEAR FOR UMBRELLA MISHAPS? Some day historians will tell us if 2012 was one of the top ten years for umbrella mishaps — in the meantime, let’s assume it was, because, really, how amazing were some of those mishaps?

Movie stars, rappers, politicians, and talk show hosts all had something to say about umbrella mishaps this year, and we were happy to listen!

Here are the TOP TEN UMBRELLA MISHAPS OF 2012:

10. Wind blows umbrella into another umbrella in 2012

9. Rain falls through hole in umbrella in 2012

8. Umbrella won’t open, then later in an elevator it opens without being touched in 2012

7. Umbrella drips water all over fancy restaurant, waiter slips on water: “Who left this umbrella here in 2012?”

6. “Lousy good for nothing umbrella!!!” (2012)

5. Credit card is declined while trying to buy umbrella

4. Open umbrella, dead bird falls out — bald eagle, you are sued by the Government for killing our heritage-bird in an umbrella

3. Wind turns umbrella inside out, man laughs at you from across the street, he’s cute, you walk over, he’s the man of your dreams, you start dating and get married, he provides you with healthy children — all because of that crazy umbrella

2. Umbrella breaks

1. The wildest umbrella mishaps

FINE ART SOOTHES THE SOUL AND STIMULATES THE SENSES. Is it any wonder that fine-art calendars continue to outsell calendars with cars and trucks — or even calendars of sports teams? Think about it this way: Once you’ve seen Monet’s water lilies or Van Gogh’s sunflowers, you’ll never want a kitty-cat calendar again: Fine art is just plain better than regular calendars.

Happily, 2012 was a great year for the fine arts: From major museum retrospectives, to black & white movies, to performance art that raised fundamental questions about “is this art,” 2012 saw a new Renaissance that could compete head-to-head against any other Renaissance from art history with real artists and painters going for the gold.

We must continue to support the arts! Here, then, is the BEST OF FINE ART OF 2012:

10. Art that made us think

9. Art that made us weep or cry

8. Record-setting auctions

7. Museum attendance through the roof for classic art

6. Instant classics

5. Sculpture

4. (TIE) Paintings / Art that made us come together

3. Rebellious art we shall grow to love

2. The art of female nudes

1. Wonderful art

AS WE POLISH OFF ANOTHER BUCKET CHRISTMAS COOKIES, OUR THOUGHTS NATURALLY TURN TO OUR FAVORITE CELEBRITIES AND HOW HEAVY THEY GOT IN 2012. Nobody knows why 2012 was “The Year of the Celebrity Weight Gain,” but it undoubtedly was — whether it was the hottest young starlet being caught on the beach with baggy legs, or a formerly rugged leading man whose knuckles looked like ten little bellies sticking out of his hands, we will always remember 2012 as “The Year Celebrities Let Themselves Go.”

This is bad news for celebrity lovers, but good news for regular people like us: It means that “Celebrities … they’re just like us” has never been more true — or more overweight, because of celebrities getting a little thick around the middle where they’re most fat in their bellies.

Without any further appetizers, let’s feast upon the TOP TEN CELEBRITY WEIGHT GAINS OF 2012:

10. 15 pounds

9. 22 pounds

8. 9.1 pounds

7. As big as two normal-sized celebrities

6. 35 pounds

5. 29 pounds

4. 29.6 pounds

3. 40 pounds

2. The biggest weight gains

1. The most spectacular weight gain of any celebrity

SADLY, IT WASN’T ALL FUN AND GAMES IN 2012. Like so many other years, 2012 saw its share of controversies. In spite of our desire for “everybody to just get along,” there were arguments, debates, disagreements, and dialogues all across the country — that’s the price we pay for democracy.

Whether it was “boys behaving badly” or “government is the problem,” if you picked a topic in 2012, you can be sure someone thought there was another side to the story: and so a controversy was born.

One thing we know won’t be controversial is this list of the TOP TEN CONTROVERSIES OF 2012:

10. Celebrities on drugs

9. Politicians and the way they lie

8. Sports and how everyone cheats

7. Do we have to watch 3-D movies

6. That lady who wrote that book that was so dumb

5. Food and it’s too salty / spicy

4. (TIE) “Health insurance is too expensive” / “ObamaCare”

3. The election of 2012

2. “You think I’m wrong but I think you’re wrong!”

1. We’ll never come together because of the controversies