“Hey dude, congratulations on the band! I heard you guys opened for the Decemberists and played Bonnaroo and signed with Matador!”

“Ugh. We totally broke up. I realized there’s no point in trying to make music.”

“What happened?”

“I was watching Friday Face-Offs, and there was this video of some band called Rubberband 101 doing a version of ‘Umbrella,’ and while I was watching it I realized I was the biggest, most pathetic poser of all time. I can’t rock. I know nothing about rock. Those dudes shamed me with their rock.”

“Any particular moment when you realized that Rubberband 101 was operating on a higher plane than 99% of all other bands?”

“Well. . . you could say that the Elvis Costello move (1:55 – 2:05) kinda destroyed my sense of self and made me feel about one inch tall.”

“Can I tell you something that might make your head explode?”

“What.”

“That video you watched? That’s not even Rubberband 101’s best version of ‘Umbrella.'”

I’M SORRY DID YOU THINK THERE WERE OTHER ROCK BANDS ON THIS PLANET BESIDES RUBBERBAND 101? BECAUSE I THINK YOU ARE MISTAKEN. BECAUSE WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THESE VIDEOS IS SOMETHING KNOWN AS “MAKING SOME ROCK HAPPEN.” CHECK OUT 1:40, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ALL OF A SUDDEN LIGHTNING BOLT SOUNDS LIKE ESQUIVEL.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! We have a winner!!!

Rubberband 101! Putting all other bands on notice!!!

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! NOW YOU KNOW!!!

Have a great weekend. I hope you spend it working for the presidential campaign of your choice. See you Monday . . .

One of the criteria I use for deciding whether a video deserves inclusion in Friday Face-Offs is whether I wish I had been in the room at its creation.

I really, really, wish I had been in the room (i.e. enormous gigantic stadium) when this video was created.

When I first saw this video’s title (“TxSU vs PV Umbrella Battle 2007”), I thought, “Please God, let this be what I think it is.”

And then the graphic came up: ROUND 1.

And it was good.

You know why America is a great place to live? Because it’s a country where marching bands have the freedom to face off and do battle, trying to out-rock each other by playing “Umbrella” extremely loudly.

This video is like a motherfucking meta Friday Face-Off!!!

I love the booing. I love the umbrellas. But most of all, I love 1:30.

From the comments to the video:

“BOTH these bands wreckin i don’t see why we can’t just say it sounds great from both but need to say one of em won… at least on this song. =) lol”

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! WE’RE WRECKIN!!!

Stay tuned . . . the winning video is next . . .

Sorry to say I can’t embed this one. “Embedding disabled by request.” I assume she got tired of the marriage proposals?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQmtpJwRcck

I trust you agree: This is championship material.

Best part? 0:12, when the little guy tries to update his facebook account(?)

Another great thing about this performance is how it changes the lyrical meaning of the song. For who is the ultimate umbrella? MOM.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! WE’RE DOING IT FOR THE MOMS!!!

Only two videos left . . .

I know, I know: Some Russian art student playing “Umbrella” on the accordion while dressed as a bear . . . been there, done that . . . this is lame.

Oh, yeah? Why don’t you watch 1:43 and get back to me?

And then what about when he shreds the solo?

My favorite thing about this video is the title: “Umbrella Russian version.”

I love that this is the traditional Russian arrangement of “Umbrella,” handed down from father to son over the centuries. MAYBE YOU CAN EVEN SEE IT FROM ALASKA.

FRIDAY FREAKIN’ FACE-OFFS!!!

Simply put, this is one of the greatest short films ever made.

Here’s what they’ll talk about when they induct this film into the MoMA Museum of Best Films Of All Time That You Love:

1. 0:09 – 0:21.

2. 0:29?!? Pardon me?!? Umm, does that camera pan open up the world of this video very hard? Are we suddenly confronted with the endless possibilities inherit in our universe very hard?!? You thought there was only one guitarist? You thought we would never see the guy with the pizza again? You thought someone wasn’t going to make a silly face at the camera? YOU THOUGHT WRONG. M. Night Shyamalan wishes he could make a movie with this many twists and turns.

3. 0:44 – 0:53. Pure joy. (This is what takes the video into the stratosphere.)

4. The ending. One of the guitarists hit a total clam that disrupts the easy, familial warmth. A subtext of dread intrudes. LOVE IT.

From the user’s youtube description of the video:

“We never get tired of jammin.”

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS. WE NEVER GET TIRED OF JAMMIN.

“There are thousands of acoustic versions of ‘Umbrella’ on youtube. What made you pick this one? Is it really worthy of FRIDAY FACE-OFFS?“

Umm. . . maybe you didn’t notice one little thing. . . that the keyboard player is the baddest kid in the universe? Umm. . . maybe you should notice that?

Maybe you should notice how hard he sets off the beat right from the get-go, then scratches his ear, like “Whatever, I’m holding this beat down like a total bad-ass,” and then at 0:33, he’s like “Yeah maybe I should start dominating this Casio right about now and crush all other keyboard players ever.”

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS. BRING YOUR GAME FACE.

Anybody mind if this guy programs his own music-box version of “Umbrella” and then sings along in his attic?

I didn’t think so.

By the way: 1:47? It’s all you, son.

From the comments: “You butchered it in a good way.”

I don’t like the toilet . . . but I like the groove. I think they’re foreigners.

LOL, “You’re still my shining car.”

Finally.

This is what I’ve been looking forward to.

This is why I wanted to start blogging.

This is the change we need:

Friday Face-Offs.

Welcome to the birth of an internet legend!

This week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFF is: “Umbrella” by Rihanna. Watch the original version here:

When she recorded the ‘ellas,’ you knew it was about to be the jump-off and your life was about to change if you had anything to do with that record.
—Christopher “Tricky” Stewart, producer of “Umbrella”

Check back later this morning for our first contestant.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!!!!