Here it is, the winning video:

Actually, before I reveal the winner, I’d like to acknowledge that this wasn’t the greatest Friday Face-Offs ever. I think the lesson I learned this week was: Just because you love a song, and it has the best beat with the coolest synthesizer sounds, doesn’t mean you’ll be able to find many great interpretations on youtube.

Frankly, I didn’t fully vet this song before picking it for Friday Face-Offs. I can’t help but feel I let you down . . . and I let the country down. Therefore I am resigning from the presidential race and urging all my supporters to buy fifty copies of my book instead. God bless you and God bless the United States of Buying Fifty Copies of My Book.

And now, without further ado, here’s the winning video:

“On a serious note, this is a very important year.
This is probably one of the most important years of my lifetime.
So if any of y’all ain’t accepted your responsibility and fulfilled your obligation of registering to vote, you need to do that.
Because us as young people, us as the hip-hop generation, we are the most influential genre of music there is.
When we move, the world moves.
So for us to not be politically involved, it’s gonna keep being laws passed that do not represent us.
If you don’t like it, then do something about it.
If you ain’t part of the solution, you a part of the motherfuckin’ problem.
And if you don’t goddamn get out there and vote, then shut your motherfuckin’ mouth and stop complaining.
Now let’s get back to the party –“

LOL, best youtube video title ever? “T.I. tells you to vote then drops ‘What You Know'”

Many can do the former, few can do the latter.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! WILKES-BARRE, SEE ME IN YOUR CITY SITTIN’ PRETTY, KNOW I’M SHINING DAWG!

(Note: The end of this video features adult language, which is not endorsed or condoned by Friday Face-Offs.)

Basically, as far as I can tell, what happened was: These guys went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and had the best, most incredible meal of their lives — really just had the most fun ever — and then got in their car, and then “What You Know” came on the radio, and then . . . things just got taken to a whole new level of Cheesecake-Factoriness.

Here are some of my favorite lyrics from this incredible song:

What you know about cheesecake

We ate a strawberry shortcake / and I feel like throwin’ up

Cheesecake, baby / chicken, avocado, woo / key lime pie, woo (Best lyric ever?)

Cheesecake for life

This makes me sad that I’ve never eaten at a Cheesecake Factory. I tried to go once, but the wait was something like three-and-a-half days, so I left. Maybe it’s time to try again? I can’t wait until the waitress asks for my order and I say:

“Cheesecake, baby / chicken, avocado, woo / key lime pie, woo”

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! WINNING VIDEO IS NEXT!!!

LOL, I’m feeling this so hard!!! 1:21, I was wondering if you’d show up! So nice to see you again, thought I left you behind at Guitar Center!

Are you kidding? Metal-style shredding over the sickest beat of 2006? I believe Van Halen said it best: “This must be just like living in paradise.”

The only reason this isn’t the winning video is because it’s 45,000 minutes too short.

Friday Face-Offs! LOOK HOW PUMPED THE GUY IS GETTING RIGHT BEFORE HE STARTS PLAYING, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH IN HIS CHAIR, THAT’S THE SPIRIT OF FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!

LOL, this is how Mozart did it, right?

WHY IS THIS SO WEIRD AND YET SO SATISFYING?

HONORABLE MENTION:

HONORABLE MENTION (RUNNER-UP):

(Who is this guy? Looks like a real talent . . . hope he doesn’t get sued by T.I. for stealing his chord progression . . .)

What you know about paint?

I love the beat to “What You Know.” It intensifies any emotion I’m feeling. So if I hear it while I’m happy, I’m like, “GRRRR, I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! ARRGH I’M SO HAPPY I COULD EAT A CAR! WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?”

Or, if I hear it while I’m angry, I’m like “GRRRR, I’M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW! EVERYBODY OUT OF MY WAY, I’M GOING TO EAT A CAR!”

So when I first saw this video and the beat kicked in, I was like, “GRRR, KELLY-MOORE PAINTS RULE! THEY MAKE THE BEST PAINTS, NO OTHER PAINT CAN STEP TO KELLY-MOORE!” but by the end I was like, “WE MUST DESTROY KELLY-MOORE PAINTS! BOYCOTT KELLY-MOORE PAINTS!” (Watch the video and you’ll see what I mean.)

A good beat can do that.

Nothing silly to say about this, really. Just a nice arrangement. I think it’s in a different mode(?) than the original. (You know what I’m talking about? That musical term, “modal,” where someone’s like, “Yeah, that version of ‘What You Know’ has a nice melancholy modal vibe within the minor scale?”) Anyway, it works for me.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! SOMETIMES WE JUST LISTEN TO THE PIANO!!!

I remember making science projects, in like, four minutes. Did these guys beat my record?

Are you kidding with this flow?

Equilibrium in the system/
Products over-reacting/
It’s messing with the system/
Just to make the reaction go

LOL, Kool Keith, is that you?

WHY DO GUITARS ALWAYS SOUND SO AWESOME ON YOUTUBE???

I am listening to this through my nice bubble headphones, and 2:31 – 2:38 is sounding like an angel screaming.

I don’t even know what 3:58 sounds like. That’s like a whole new level of goddamn.

Want to save rock music? Destroy all guitar amplifiers. Every guitarist should just run their guitar straight into a webcam. IT WILL SOUND REALLY GOOD.

LOL, imagine going to see the hot new band, and instead of a wall of Marshall stacks, they have 1,000 little webcams piled up onstage, ready to rock.

What a week, ladies and gentlemen! (I never get tired of saying that.) The weekend is almost here! We’re gonna relax and chill and — wait, what? — are you kidding? Do we really have to go back to Wilkes-Barre and knock on more doors? Seriously? What is this, a super-door-knocking-on contest or something?

Fine, fine, whatever. We’ll go back to Wilkes-Barre. Hmm. Better get motivated . . . this calls for an EXTRA JAMMIN’ JOINT for this week’s Friday Face-Offs . . . fortunately, I know just the one . . .

Friday Face-Offs.

Welcome to the FIFTH INSTALLMENT of an internet legend!

This week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFF is: “What You Know” by T.I. Watch the original version here:

Check back later this morning for our first contestant. . .

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!!!