Remember how I said tempo was crucial to a successful performance of “Fortunate Son?”

This guy totally nails it:

LOL, I hope you didn’t think this guy didn’t own a copy of the original “Fortunate Son” 45 RPM single. LOL, if you thought that, this video must make you sooo mad and frustrated!!!

Another thing about this video: BEST TRACKING SHOT OF ALL TIME? Better than “Touch of Evil?” Better than “Russian Ark?” See, this is how you KNOW the dude owns a copy of the single — one take, baby. No cuts. Zoom on the label: BAM. Then he starts moving the record towards the turntable, and you’re like, “Awww shit, we’re about to hear a hot jam,” and then, before you know it: BAM. The record has been placed upon the turntable. Basically, at this point the dude officially enters “I’m-about-to-set-it-off” mode.

And then: BAM, the highlight of the video — 0:15, when he’s like, “I’m outta here; nobody wants to see me — they want to see my “Fortunate Son” 45 RPM single, which I totally own!”

At that point, it’s basically all about you watching a digital video of an analog record spinning around . . . and enjoying a quality jam.

But then the most amazing thing of all time happens: 0:53 – 1:05.

And then . . . what can I say? 1:37 – 1:50. (Was the guy very pumped and excited when he did that? He was probably thinking, “Fuck it, you only live once. Let’s give ’em something to remember.”)

HONORABLE MENTION:

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! WE’RE SPINNING AROUND AND AROUND!!!

Dinosaurs and debates! Wow, I thought we couldn’t pull off a week crazier and wackier than last week, but we did. Hooray for us.

But now the week draws to a close. Saturday and Sunday beckon us. Must we drive to Pennslyvania to knock on peoples’ doors for hours and hours? We must. But before we do, we shall draw inspiration from:

Friday Face-Offs.

Welcome to the THIRD INSTALLMENT of an internet legend!

This week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFF is: “Fortunate Son” by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Watch the original version here:

Guys, I have watched dozens and dozens of versions of “Fortunate Son” over the past few weeks. And one thing I’ve come to appreciate is: TEMPO IS EVERYTHING WITH THIS SONG. If you’re playing a straight-up arrangement of this song, you better hit this tempo exactly or it’s gonna fall apart and sound like ass. Kudos to Creedence Clearwater Revival for nailing this tempo.

Another thing I’ve come to appreciate is that I have the world’s best taste in music. This is one of my all-time favorite jams, and you know what? FULLY JUSTIFIED. This song is, basically, four dudes holding down a groove so freakin’ hard you can’t believe it and you can’t get up.

One more thing: People always talk about this song’s relevance vis a vis our current President. I never talk about that.

Why?

Because that man doesn’t deserve to be in the same conversation as this all-American jam.

Check back later this morning for our first contestant. . .

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! WE BRING IT STRONG LIKE DINOSAURS!!!

WE HAVE OUR WINNER!!!

As much as I love “The Suffering,” I’ve never really understood what the guy was singing. The only lyrics I could ever make out were like, “And now to drink this vial I dare,” and “Burn in hell you sinner,” so I assumed he was singing about making out with a witch or something. Little did I know what he was really singing . . .

I’m not a military analyst, but I would guess 0:41 – 0:54 is basically invincible.

When Spiderman comes up, I’m like, “Am I really allowed to be on the same internet as this?”

I love this version, because it features the original recording of the song, which — let’s face it — is so bad-ass and tight and rockin’, no cover can really top it. A BOLD STRATEGY FOR WINNING FRIDAY FACE-OFFS, BUT IT WORKED.

Friday Face-Offs!!! YOU’RE NOT CANOEING!!!

Have a great weekend . . . I’m off to Pennsylvania to knock on some doors . . . hope you are too.

PEACE!

PS: FRIDAY FACE-OFFS IS CRUSHING HARDER THAN EVER!!!

Few things on the internet get me more hyped and excited than this video. What “Eat, Pray, Love” is for unhappy women, this video is for me. This video keeps me going. I love this video.

Let’s review some of the factors in this video that make me love it and watch it more than twenty times:

1. The clankety-ass keys, because he’s pounding the “ess” out of them. STRAIGHT CLANKIN’.

2. The visual composition of the shot is actually kind of cool and hypnotic, and if you watch it with your eyes blurred, eventually it starts to seem like the arms are coming out of the piano.

3. The first time I watched this video, I noticed the chin bobbing in and out of the upper right-hand corner of the frame. I started to get really excited, like, “I hope we get to see this guy’s face, and when we do, I hope he is grimacing like a motherfucker.” And then guess what I saw? I saw 0:43 – 0:50. A moment of pure, total unstoppability.

4. Also, I saw 1:59 – 2:01.

TO ALL MY GROWN-UP READERS: Sweet Jesus, don’t you remember what those moments felt like? When you were surging on a hot jam in the prime of your youth? When you were loving some pop song so much that you wanted to pound right through your keyboard or smash your guitar over your own head, or at least not study for algebra so goddamn much? Just rock out in your rec room, or basement, or whatever? (By the way: Pinball machine in background?!?)

THIS VIDEO IS PURE CHAMPIONSHIP MATERIAL.

Friday Face-Offs! THE WINNER IS NEXT!!!

Hi there! Anybody feel like rocking?

I like to watch this video and think about how quiet it must have been in the room . . . LOL, anybody mind if I drop a pin, or would that be too noisy and distracting? LOL, is that a butterfly passing gas under a blanket that I hear so clearly in this silent environment? LOL, it’s pretty quiet in here, anybody mind if I whistle quietly to myself, just so there’s some sort of noise or sound perceptible in this enclosure?

Also, 2:07? Who are the dudes on the floor? Bodyguards? Or maybe Quietness-Assurance Testers from the National Quiet Institute?

Because it’s pretty quiet in that room.

BONUS: I wish I knew musical terminology so I could describe how these kids seem to have changed up the chorus. I think the bass is playing a different note in the first couple bars(?). And the guitar chords seem jazzier? I can’t really explain it, and I’m not sure if it’s deliberate, but it sounds great.

EXTRA BONUS: The bassist is looking like a TOTAL ROCK GOD. Are you kidding me? That kid is STRAIGHT DOMINATING. Check out 0:21, is he looking like he’s laying down a very heavy groove?

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! ONLY TWO MORE VIDEOS TO GO!!!

EVERYBODY STEP THE FUCK OFF.

This kid wrote an arrangement of “The Suffering” for marching band, but his school is too small to pull it off, so he freakin’ programmed it into MIDI.

I would say the first, oh, ten seconds of this video could be looped and then bumped in a bangin’ system to great effect while you roll down the street. YOU COULD ROB A BANK TO THIS SHIT.

The part where it goes, “Toot-tweeet!” is fuckin’ off the hook.

No joke, this is the first time a MIDI file gave me goosebumps.

FANTASY TIME: What if we could get the bands from last week’s runner-up video to perform this arrangement in full battle mode? Forget about some dumb-ass bank bailout, I’d pay a trillion dollars to see that.

I swear to God this song could knock 99% of all other songs the fuck out. If I was some other song, trying to be all tough, I would not want to meet this song in a dark alley. Because it would roll right over me.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! MIDI GOOSEBUMPS, KID!!!

Remember that Martin Scorcese movie that came out a couple years ago called “The Departed?” Remember the best scene: When Leonardo diCaprio’s character recorded a version of “The Suffering” on his webcam?

He does a great job with the “Heys!” They make me excited in the original song, but they make me more excited when this young fellow does ’em. Why? BECAUSE HE FREAKIN’ GOES THERE.

This is the kind of dude who constantly surprises and impresses you, like: “Yeah I made first team all-American, but I skipped the game because there was a Dererk Jarman film festival the same weekend and I didn’t want to miss it.”

Friday Face-Offs!!! MARTIN SCORCESE WISHES HE INVENTED FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!

AN OPEN MESSAGE TO ALL THE HATERS ON YOUTUBE WHO ARE HATING ON THIS VIDEO:

FIRST OF ALL, THE SONG IS ACTUALLY KIND OF COMPLICATED AND TRICKY TO PLAY. They should get credit for trying.

SECOND, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW STEVE BALLMER COULD PLAY THE DRUMS. SO STEP OFF.

Could you imagine trying to play this song at some sort of work function in a cavernous conference room in the middle of the day? These guys are probably following a PowerPoint presentation about the new invoicing software. The official video of “The Suffering” features centaurs and mermaids and all that mythical-creature shit, and you’re gonna bring the ruckus with your crew from Systems Administration? GOOD ON YOU. YOU HAVE MY RESPECT.

When I watch this video, I like trying to figure out which one of the musicians chose “The Suffering” for this lunch-break gig. Who’s most into the song? Bass player? (2:25 makes me think it’s him.) Lead guitarist? DRUMMER????

Also, what do you suppose is in the box in the foreground (2:00-ish)? Maybe the new training manuals for the new invoicing software?

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!

What a hectic week . . . maybe we should just hang out in the attic with our Roland keyboard and lay down some smooth tracks . . . maybe record a chill version of “The Suffering. . .”

I just pray that at some point in the near future, I’m in a hotel lobby somewhere (maybe on a book tour for my hot new collection of GYWO cartoons which is going to be published soon), enjoying a grown-up beverage, and then I notice the cocktail pianist is playing “The Suffering.”

Seriously, can I ask a question? SERIOUSLY: What if I was hanging out in a fancy hotel lobby and then I realized the cocktail pianist was playing “The Suffering” by Coheed and Cambria? Would I get very excited? Would I start screaming “Friday Face-Offs” very hard? Would I start singing back-up very hard? Would I sing the “Hey! Hey!” chorus with very much RELISH and JOY?

“The Suffering” by Coheed and Cambria is my JAM.

Before I started my research for Friday Face-Offs, I had never heard of “Drum Covers.”

I love the internet!!!!!!!!!!!

From the youtube comments:

haha
dude soooo many cymbals.
awesome

BEST HAIKU EVER!!!

Friday Face-Offs!!! Soooo many cymbals!!!

Honorable Mention:

BONUS Honorable Mention:

By the way, if you want to hear something incredible, play all three videos simultaneously. LOL, what a racket! You lousy kids!