I hope the name of this band is “The All-Other-Motherfuckers Destroying Machine,” because that’s basically what they do here:

OMG, 0:55 FTW!!! LOL at how hard that bangs.

Friday Face-Offs! “We’re gonna light it up like it’s dynamite.”

Three videos left!!! Everybody go put on all their favorite brands for the top three videos!!!

This is a reaaally sloppity-gloppity chop of “Dynamite,” but the keyboards sound soooo freakin’ amazing, I had to sneak it in. It sounds like a brontosaurus throwing a rave against the wall. And the zhweep zhwoop is BANGING.

Still thinking about all my favorite brands, and how I’m gonna wear them to the club tonight. ALL OF THEM.

Anyway, here’s a chopped mash-up of “Dynamite” with “California Gurls” (ugh) by Katy Perry. It was boring me until (1:47), when things started sounding real nice. Again, sloppy, but sometimes that makes it more exciting. Just ask the Replacements.

But uggh, yeah, I am not a fan of Katy Perry. It feels very pandering to me. Why is that? And is California Gurls biting from that MGMT song, the one that followed Kids?

“So many questions.” Friday Face-Offs!!! It’s DYNAMITE.

I was just thinking: One of the best things about me wearing all my favorite brands is that you can tell what kind of guy I am just by looking at me (and my brands).

Anyway … it’s candle time. Time to chill.

Okay, confession time: I almost sorta got goosebumps the first time they really hit the chorus (1:03). Am I a sentimental sap? I dunno. It just looks like they’re having such a nice time, like they said: “Look, our tans look awesome, you play guitar, I play keyboards, we love rockin’ the club, and I have this big-ass scented candle. Should we make a web video or what???” And then lo and behold, they made this nice video for you to enjoy on Friday Face-Offs!

FFO FTW!!! (“Friday Face-Offs For The Win”)

Keep it locked … next contestant coming up!

My favorite thing about this great song “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz is that it uses the “Zhweep Zhwoop” sound from “Party in the USA,” which is a song I can’t stand for some reason. Both songs were produced by Dr. Luke, who is the producer of the moment (look at the charts and every song you’re humming is by him). So he’ll take a zhweep zhwoop and just run it into the ground. I can respect that. It’s like a late-night infomercial style of producing:

“Do you love the zhweep zhwoop sound but you’re just so tired of having to listen to Party in the USA in order to hear it? The inconvenience, the headaches — it’s just TOO MUCH! Well, now there’s Dynamite, a great song with the zhweep zhwoop sound you’ve come to love! No more hassles, no more headaches! Call 1-800-FRIDAY-MY-FUCKING-FACE-OFF to hear more!”

Anyway, at first I was gonna give the 7th place medal to this guy:

But then this guy showed up …

… and once you see 0:22, you’ll understand why he had to win. That’s some pure, artisanal foot-Mozart, right there! I love moments like that. Beat kicking in soooo hard.

Friday Face-Offs! I’m wearing all my favorite brands all day!!! Habitat for Humanity, Doctors Without Borders, and Adopt-A-Minefield!!! NOT TO MENTION GUCCI, PRADA, AND KATE SPADE BAGS!!!

Set if off like dynamite! S**t is blowing up like a m*****f****r in this video!

Check out the intensity at 2:35. You know he’s just barely keeping it together during those punchy keebs. I know the feeling. Those keyboards sound really good. But he doesn’t lose control (which is ironic, since I think one of the themes of this song is totally losing control in the club and wearing all your favorite brands).

OMG, FFO FTW! It’s good to be back!

Friday Face-Offs! “It doesn’t get any more faced-off than this.”

Stay tuned, next contestant coming up quick!

Oh my dear, dear mnftiu reader: You thought I’d forgotten about Friday Face-Offs, didn’t you?

You thought I’d gone all “Joe Hollywood Pencil-Sharpener?” Please.

You thought all I could do was liveblog “Minute To Win It” and “Frogs?” Don’t make me laugh.

Friday Face-Offs!!!

Welcome to the 23rd installment of the greatest thing on the internet since computers.

It’s been too long, so let’s get to it. There’s no time for pussy-footing around. It’s Friday, so let’s Friday-Face-Off our fucking faces off.

This week’s song is “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz. Watch the original video here:

I love this song. If it was more mindless, it’d bill your HMO for the lobotomy. And in honor of this song … for this one day only … I’m wearing all my favorite brands.

“Y’all know me!”

First contestant is up next! You do remember how awesome FFO is, right? BUCKLE UP.

Friday Face-Offs!!!!!!!!

Blog reader (and birthday boy) MH made me a great sampler CD of contemporary heavy metal: Genghis Tron, Necrophagist, etc. I was relieved to hear the screaming monster vocal style is still the default mode of expression within that genre.

This kid holds his own against all those bands. He’s like “David After Dentist” meets Myotonia.

There’s a great line in Joe Meno’s novel “Hairstyles of the Damned” about a feeling I know well—loving a song so much it risks inducing violence: “What was it about that song? I loved that song so much it sometimes made me want to kick a hole in the wall.”

It’s like this kid is trying to kick his voice through a wall.

In the opening moments, I imagine him talking to his blankie: “ARGGGHH Blankie, I love this song so freakin’ much I can’t believe it!!! Kings of Leon!!!” Then at (1:24) it’s too much for him: “Get me out of this car seat and into the pit! I need to put my foot through a wall NOW.” But then he also has flashes of profound calm and contentment (1:31). I’ll bet you nine prayer-shawls this kid is a bodhisattva.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! “We did it again.”

Have a great weekend.

“Why?” The drummer, that’s why. He looks like he escaped from a Paper Rad show. The bassist’s visor doesn’t hurt, either. Check out (1:11) when the bassist checks in with the drummer, like, “You know I’m totally about to start poppin’ off, right?” and then (1:13) when he starts nodding his head soooo jammingly.

In the comments people are slamming the drummer, but I like this kind of floppy drumming style. It works for this song. Because, what? It’s like a Sunday afternoon and you’re chilling in your dorm and you want to record a version of a song you like and so why bring in a PhD in Drumming to help out? Just throw a kit together and get floppy.

FRIDAY FREAKIN’ FACE-OFFS! Winning video is next!!!

Things just keep getting more incredible and adorable.

This is basically St. John’s wort in video form:

Listen, I know the dirty secret of Friday Face-Offs: I know a lot of you just read my comments and don’t watch the videos. People say, “Hey that was a good Friday Face-Offs last week!” And I say, “Dude, did you love that one video when the kid hits the falsetto?” And they say, “I didn’t watch the videos, but your comments were funnny.” ARRRGGHGHH WRONG. You need to watch the goddamn videos! Set aside an hour and freakin’ do it. If you watch the Super Bowl on television, you don’t go around bragging about how you played in the Super Bowl! Same rules apply here! You haven’t experienced Friday Face-Offs until you’ve watched every goddamn video I have commanded you to watch! (Not sure if the Super Bowl analogy worked, but you get the point: True FFO-heads watch videos.)

So here’s my proposition to all FFO-posers who don’t usually watch the videos: why don’t you do me a favor and do yourself a favor and watch this video and if you’re not feeling good after thirty seconds you can stop, but if you find that it’s lifting your spirits then keep watching and just be aware of how sad you’re getting until you’re so sad you’re crying on the floor like “Waah, why are these ladies making me feel so sad, why do they have such a negative gloomy attitude,” LOL because umm yeah that’s exactly not how you will be feeling.

In his video description, he apologizes for “the bussing noise,” and I’m like, “dude why are you apologizing for the most baddest-ass, accidentally in-key sound I’ve heard all week that is making this one of my hottest go-to jams that I’m gonna loop and blast in my car when I’m driving to Key Food to buy more yams???”