“Whereof we cannot speak, thereof we must remain silent.”
–Ludwig Wittgenstein

This dude should change his name to “Destroyer McJaunty,” because he freakin’ destroys this jam and kicks the jauntiness factor up to +12,000%.

That piano lick would make an AWESOME sample. In fact, right before I researched this video I was researching the video for “My Block” by Scarface; do you remember how sick that Donny Hathaway piano loop was? This kid is dealing with something on that level of unstoppability.

(By the way, I only wish his arms weren’t so short and stubby, LOL are you sure they’re long enough to reach the piano keyboard, LOL, because they’re pretty short, could you put the piano in the next room and he’d still be able to play it, LOL best arms ever this kid is destroying.)

HONORABLE MENTION:

DANGER DANGER
THE GUY WHO
RUNS THE BOWLING ALLEY
HAS GONE CRAZY.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! THE WINNING VIDEO IS NEXT!!! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE YOUR EYES OR EARS, I HAVE UNCOVERED A MASTERPIECE.

Are you ready to be in a good mood?

When I first read the youtube user’s description of this video:

“Dropped a bomb signing on R. Kelly’s Ignition Remix!!”

I thought I saw a typo. It took me a minute to realize: no typo.

THEN. I. GOT. SAD.

(By the way, this video has some intense, mystifying cutaway shots that make me love it more and more each time I watch it. Hello, 0:58!!!)

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THIS VIDEO IS:

Sometimes I watch this video and focus on the guy in front, to see how R. Kelly is translated into his language (answer: soooooo smoothly). But sometimes, I focus on the guy in the back. And when I do that, I FEEL STRONG JOY.

Could that guy be jamming any harder? I would say that from 2:52 – end, he is manifesting pure light.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH HOW HARD HE’S JAMMING AT THE END???

Bonus points for the ending! LOL, can’t believe you got David Chase to direct your video!

Goddamm, I think I discovered a straight-up classic ass-banger with this one. Fifty thousand gold stars.

(Note: The end of this video features adult language and sexual themes, which are not endorsed or condoned by Friday Face-Offs.)

Greatest crew of all time, right here in this video? YES.

As the video begins, ask yourself: Which member of this crew probably has to take the most abuse from the other two crew members? Just take a WILD guess.

Got your answer? Okay, now watch 1:05 – onwards. Was your guess very correct?

Umm . . . 1:24, anyone?

By the way, is there a SMALL escalation of hostilities on the battlefield? At one point, homeboy has TWO LAUNDRY BASKETS ON HIS HEAD. NOT ONE. TWO.

Also, 1:54 makes me SOOOOO LOL. I know just what that feels like: “Y’know, I should really hit him in the face with a laundry basket. That’s what needs to happen at this point in our friendship.”

Also: 3:00?!? Samurai sword, LOL? But also NOL? (Nervous Out Loud)

You know you’re getting old when you’re trying to astral-project chaperone thoughts at a youtube video:

Guys, please don’t drink too much tonight. You probably have a big test on Monday.

You don’t need to drink to have fun. You just need a sword, a couple laundry baskets, some hot jams, and your crew.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! DON’T FORGET THE LAUNDRY BASKETS!!!

Now THIS is a remix.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! WE SCOUR THE GLOBE FOR THE HOTTEST REMIXES AND BRING THEM TO YOU SO YOU’LL LOVE US AND BUY FIFTY COPIES OF OUR BOOK!!!

LOL, didn’t know Frank Luntz played bass!

Speaking of which, if I had one of those stupid “How-does-the-debate-make-you-feel” dials, it would be PEAKING during the chorus. Seriously, this is a KILLING arrangement of “Ignition (Remix).” These lads put in a little extra effort. THANK YOU.

(Also, they’re in high school, right? Isn’t that what it looks like? In which case, they probably strike a SMALL AMOUNT OF FEAR in the other acts at high school talent shows. And does the piano player sit in the back of English class and make very many jokes about diminished sevenths that nobody else in the class understands???)

I was skeptical — until he looped the “bounce bounce bounce” beeping sound. That showed a deference to the source material that is sadly lacking in many covers of “Ignition (Remix).” Then I was like, “He’s building something special here . . . lemme grab another Harvey Wallbanger and change into my nice bathrobe and take a journey into sound . . .”

(Also, having reviewed 53,000 shoddy acoustic versions of this song, it’s nice to hear somebody shred just a little.)

From the youtube comments: “this guy is my husband how great is he”

Awwwww!

@–}—-

That lady just earned the FIRST EVER FRIDAY FACE-OFF CYBER-ROSE!!!

Short but sweet! And, umm . . . does he end with very much confidence?!? Is he fairly secure in the knowledge that he kicked all of our asses?!?

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! IT’S THE FREAKIN’ WEEKEND BABY I’M ABOUT TO HAVE ME SOME FUN CANVASSING AND PHONE-BANKING!!!

Mavericks gone wild! Town-hall debate ass-clobberings! Terrorist connections every which way! Further economic excitement! Ladies and gentlemen, what a week!

Not to mention, my book came out and everybody bought fifty copies!!!

Anyway, the weekend is almost here. Time to relax, right? WRONG. We’ve gotta stay busy this weekend, my friends. We’ve gotta hit the pavement to ensure the total, irrevocable defeat and humiliation of John McCain and Sarah Palin. But before we mount up, we must get pumped up . . . with:

Friday Face-Offs!!!

Welcome to the FOURTH INSTALLMENT of an internet legend!

This week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFF is: “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly. Watch the original version here:

I always thought it would be fun to play this at the end of a GYWO reading. I don’t know why . . . I guess I thought it would take the audience by surprise, and they’d be so happy and excited they’d buy fifty copies of my book!

Check back later this morning for our first contestant. . .

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! I AM THE ONLY REAL MAVERICK!!!