No posting today . . . I’m in the capital city.

If you want to hear my opinions about the day’s events, please come talk to me in person.

People always say, “Oh, if Barack Obama was white, he’d have the election in the bag.”

I guess that’s interesting to think about.

But I have more fun thinking about this:

What if John McCain was black?

I haven’t compiled a list of all the stuff the white John McCain has said or done that would destroy the candidacy of a black John McCain. Why? Because I don’t have twenty billion pieces of paper to write the list on. But you don’t need a list. All you need is your imagination. When you go to bed tonight, try this exercise:

Think of the things White John McCain has said in, oh, the past month. Think of some of the decisions he’s made recently. Remember the whole “Zapatero” kerfuffle? What about this new thing where McCain claimed his campaign manager hadn’t taken money from Freddie Mac but actually he had? LOL, now just imagine John McCain was a 72-year-old black man. And he was running for president. And he thought people maybe might vote for him. LOL, LOL, be sure to warn your bunkmate that you will be giggling in your sleep!

UPDATE: And what if Black John McCain suspended his campaign and tried to postpone the debates because he was scared of the economy? OMG LOL OMG LOL.

I wish I wasn’t going to Pennsylvania this weekend; this looks fun.

LOL, “This Flock of Seagulls cassette used to belong to Fred Kagan. One dollar.”
LOL, “This bottle of Max Boot’s saliva from when he slobbered all over us costs 50 cents.”
LOL, “Those secret plans for attacking Iran, Syria, and North Korea are five bucks each.”

The clock is ticking. Have you done your part?

(Picture stolen from here, which has more glorious images.)

Ladies and gentlemen, we could be closer than we think . . .

UPDATE:

People seem a little confused by my previous explanation of the current financial crisis. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has spent the last fifteen years studying macroeconomics, and I forget to use layman’s terms. So, once again, here’s my attempt to explain what’s going on:

Basically, this is a crisis of overleveraged stagflationary liquidity. The GSEs were overleveraged while the MMAs were staglated. And the ZQLs were illiquidated (an astonishing 52% were ranked “lukewarm liquid” or “lumpy liquid” by Monday’s closing bell.) In other words, all the money that was in the banks’ unincorporated mortgage-backed assets is now being drawn into 1.) the portfolios of the Treasury bonds — except for those certificates that are still indexed to the regional banks’ ATMs and WKRPs, and 2.) the portfolio of one Tony “Zazz” Zazzles, a hot new banker on the scene.

What does this mean for you? It means you better come up with motherfuckin’ ONE TRILLION DOLLARS or your house may get trapped in a bubble — AN IRON BUBBLE OF DEATH.

How about, after the bailout, when everything is back to normal and the crisis has passed, we all chip in and give Henry Paulson twenty billion dollars, as a thank-you gift? Just a way of saying, “We appreciate all you did to avert the crisis and for coming up with such a great bailout plan.”

We could present him with a gigantic oversized check.

LOL, what if, once the bailout plan goes through, they literally stage a ceremony on the White House lawn where Bush hands Paulson a big, fake check for “ONE TRILLION DOLLARS.”

You may LOL, but that would definitely be on the front page of every newspaper in the world the next morning:

“DOUCHEBAG PRESENTS LARGE CHECK TO BALD GUY”
– The London Times

“FAT BAILOUT GOIN’ DOWN ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN”
– The Frankfurt Daily Zeitmensch

“CHECKMATE! LOL, AMERICA ON THE EDGE”
– Osama bin Laden Podcast