Tomorrow my blog will advance to the next level of glory. . . the next level of invincibility. . . all other blogs will be trembling and quivering, like Zapatero in the presence of McCain. . .

Tomorrow we really get into it. . .

For tomorrow will mark the debut of. . .

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS.

Now that my blog is up and running, I want to say publicly what I’ve been saying privately for weeks:

We are in the fourth golden age of talkingpointsmemo.com.

I will explain everything in minute detail over the next few months; for now, let the record show I was the first to call it:

We are in the fourth golden age of talkingpointsmemo.com!!!

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“ANALYSIS OF THE GOLDEN AGES OF TALKINGPOINTSMEMO.COM”
By David Rees, a hot new blogger on the scene.

PRE-GOLDEN AGE ERA:

When the site featured a photo of J.M.M. reading the internet. Old-school. Still finding its sea legs. First web site to use beige color scheme.

FIRST GOLDEN AGE:

Classic nerd TPM (circa 2 years ago), when it was all about local congressional races and “Here’s one thing we’ve been tracking in Delaware’s 9th congressional ward. . . has anybody seen Rep. Miller’s (R, MO-7) statement on Duke Cunningham. . . etc.” Total obscure nerd political news. . . The original golden age, often parodied by me and my friends in emails to each other. . . Classic. . . All hardcore TPM fans know this was the original TPM, never to be duplicated. . .

SECOND GOLDEN AGE:

When J.M.M. brought down the Attorney General of the United States. . . When the site really blew up and they won a big award. . . Basically this took them to a new level that most blogs can’t even aspire to. . . J.M.M. put all other blogs on notice. . . his name started ringing out on the corners. . . like Marlo Stanfield. . . “MY NAME IS MY NAME!!!”

MICRO GOLDEN AGE:

When they made a blooper reel of TPM video outtakes. . . and the reel was twenty minutes long. . . featuring the most banal, boring bloopers of all time. . . total nerd paradise. . . I give this an honorary “Micro Golden Age” rating. . .

THIRD GOLDEN AGE:

When J.M.M. became instantly disgusted with John McCain’s campaign and started calling out the press’s McCain-adulation harder than anyone else. . . This was the Golden Age that made me realize TPM was rapidly moving through a series of Golden Ages that must be documented and analyzed for all posterity. . . This was when I started yelling “Golden Age!” whenever I read a good post. . .

FOURTH GOLDEN AGE, A.K.A. “THE SURGE”:

Basically, an escalation of the Third Golden Age. . . J.M.M. becoming obviously enraged. . . A new, more emotionally intense TPM experience. . . Totally anti-Palin, anti-McCain. . . J.M.M. was never charmed by Palin, not even for one second. . . I knew we were in a new Golden Age when J.M.M. dropped a “WTF” in a recent post. . . I was surprised that a new Golden Age had come so quickly, but I was ready. . . OF ALL MY FRIENDS, I WAS THE FIRST TO RECOGNIZE THIS AS THE FOURTH GOLDEN AGE. . .

FIFTH GOLDEN AGE:

The future is yet to be written. . . . . . TPM Media, recognize. . . .

He’s a senator. He’s privy to information that’s not available to average schmoes like you and me.

After the interviewer presses (McCain) a couple times on the point and tries to focus him on the fact that Prime Minister Zapatero isn’t from Mexico and isn’t a drug lord either McCain comes back at her saying, “All I can tell you is that I have a clear record of working with leaders in the Hemisphere that are friends with us and standing up to those who are not. And that’s judged on the basis of the importance of our relationship with Latin America and the entire region.”

Then there’s a moment of awkward pause before she says. “But what about Europe? I’m talking about the President of Spain.”

Maybe Spain has a secret plan to invade the United States — and thank goodness McCain is aware of this plan and is willing to call it out, did you ever think about that? Maybe Zapatero is not only the prime minister of Spain, but also. . . the leader of FARC. Maybe Zapatero is standing right outside your door RIGHT NOW, holding his special Spanish sword and he’s about to chop you into hundreds of little pieces, did you ever think about that?

This proves it! She’s good at talking!

LOL, classic news blooper: Check out 3:07. When she discusses the Mets/Dodgers exhibition game, she totally forgets to mention that she’s going to bill rape victims for their own rape kits. (Someone should add wacky sound effects and submit it to “America’s Most Funniest Home-Fried Videos.”)

Don’t worry I’m
not going to be one of those clever people

Who takes elliptical comments from dumb-ass
politicians and formats them as poems

For a quick LOL chortle
Or am I

— D. Rees

News Alert! Some fancy lady named Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild has decided that Barack Obama is an “elitist” and therefore she’s going to endorse John McCain.

Is this the greatest news factoid of all time?

Answer: YES.

It turns out ol’ Lady Lynn Forester der von Rothschild — who “splits her time time between London and New York” — was a major fundraiser for Hillary Clinton. (For some reason, I suddenly feel overwhelming sympathy for Sen. Clinton.)

After Obama beat Clinton in the Democratic primary, Lady de Rothschild was probably like, “Boo-hoo, my candidate lost, waah waah, nothing ever goes my way! Jeeves, please lower me into my diamond bathtub — which is literally filled with real diamonds — and shampoo my hair with the triple-distilled tears of orphans. Also, I command you to perform a champagne enema on one of my fine Arabian stallions while I liveblog it on my solid gold typepad account. C’est tres magnificique! (sp?)”

In a display of the trenchant policy analysis that has made her famous, Madame Lady Lynn Forest Whittaker de Rothschild von Pooter explained her McCain endorsement by saying of Obama:

“Frankly, I don’t like him.”

(As an Obama supporter, I would humbly request that Ladyboo Lynn de Forester von Chili Con Carne travel around the country, greeting voters and announcing that she doesn’t like Barack Obama. Please don’t forget to wear one of those floofy, flouncey scarves that you can buy at the MoMA store, and also please don’t forget to sneer at everyone. May I also request that you wear all your jewels at once?)

I’m sure Obama will lose a lot of sleep over this. I know he was craving the endorsement. After all, we’re talking about Baroness Lassie Lynn de von Forester d’el der McRothschild von de Beers VIII, the type of lady every American can relate to and wants to be friends with and definitely doesn’t laugh at as soon as she turns her back (to check on her portfolio of private planets she owns).

Maybe now she and Cindy McCain can go shopping together and buy jewels at Cartier and be all like, “Ooh girl, that gem looks so good on your earlobe!” or whatever it is stupid rich old ladies do all day.

“We need a 9/11 commission, and we need a commission to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it.’’ — John McCain, on the banking crisis.

YES. And after the commission meets and figures everything out and explains it to John McCain and he follows all its recommendations. . . they’ll publish a graphic novelization.

Would someone please explain to me why this image is on my hard drive?

Was I planning to buy AON, the hottest new corporation? Did I have a meeting with those two guys hanging out at the desk? Did we talk about golf?