Okay gang, my blog has been live for about 24 hours. In that time, it has shot up to #1 on all the internet blog rankings. Google had to buy 10,000 new servers just to handle the search requests like “hottest new blog is mnftiu” and “mnftiu is hottest new blog.” Technorati just called — they were pissed — because apparently they’ve never seen rankings like my new blog is getting (i.e., ranking #1 with “Extreme extra rankings”). Also, Sun Microsystems offered to buy my blog for $500,000,000,000.

BUT GUESS WHAT? None of that matters to me. All that matters to me. . . is you! My loyal readers. You are the mooses with which I built my mighty moose-burger, which is this blog, which is why America is falling in love with me.

So, here’s my question: Who has checked my blog for updates the most? In the last 24 hours, has anyone checked my blog four times? What about five times? What about two times?

Lemme know. . . you might be headed for the mnftiu Hall of Fame!

Ezra Klein is one of the hottest bloggers on the scene. From what I can tell, he is a 20-year-old guy who is obsessed with health-care policy. Good on him. Also, sometimes he posts recipes for the type of cheap, crappy food twenty-somethings eat before they make millions of dollars as left-wing political cartoonists, like me.

(Of course, this blog will crush him and his blog. [Along with all other blogs.])

But for now, let’s enjoy this cool graph Mr. Klein produced:

(Sarah Palin said Alaska produces 20% of America’s domestic energy supply; it actually produces 3.5% of America’s domestic energy supply.)

LOL, right? The lady doesn’t know what she’s talking about, right? WRONG. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe that 3.5% statistic doesn’t include the INCREDIBLE ENERGY AND VITALITY PRODUCED BY SARAH PALIN HERSELF?!? And that if you factor in that energy, Alaska does indeed produce 20% of America’s domestic energy supply?

Busted! Ezra Klein, it’s past your bedtime. Time to hit the tanning bed; better luck next time.

YOUR BLOG HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY CRUSHED BY MY BLOG.

Cross-border attacks in Pakistan. . . Tariq Ali is on the radio right now attributing it to my blog. . .

Worldwide financial meltdown. . . Alan Greenspan trying to pin the blame on me. . . nice try, old man, but it’s not my fault if Merrill Lynch can’t handle my blog. . .

It’s a new world, guys.

A few people have already noticed. (Comedy Central is, like, one of the hottest channels on basic cable, in case you don’t know.)

All I have to say is: You think things are off the hook right now? Wait until Friday. This blog is going to redefine “T.G.I.F.”

I was sleeping in this morning, luxuriating in my fine bed. . . but then I remembered: I HAVE A BLOG NOW. TIME TO BLOG.

GET UP! GET UP!

This will take some getting used to!

BLOGGING.

Why is this image on my hard drive?

This is a photo of me and “the boys” on the 9th hole at Woodcrest Lake. Great hole, Par 4 but I bogied with a reverse 7-iron. “All in a day’s work.”

I am wearing the orange shirt, in case you don’t know me.

Seriously? I found this photo on my hard drive. I have no idea what it is or how it got there. Maybe I was planning to make a golf web site? I bet I could make twenty billion dollars if I did that. www.golf-dreams.net, www.golf-digest-9par.net, www.bogey-n-birdie.biz, any of those would work.

I hope John McCain wins the election so my buddies and I can play golf in celebration. What a great day that would be. . . I’d probably use my 5-wood on a par 3, just for the heck of it, just to celebrate. Maybe even hook it to the left on a wide-angle rough.

This blog is going to destroy all other blogs, obviously. We can call that a “general goal.” But one of my specific goals will be to drop more hip-hop references than Ta-Nehisi Coates does in his blog. I guarantee this blog will out-hip-hop-reference ANY OTHER BLOG!!!

Reference #1 is right above you!!! LOOK UP AT THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG POST.

“Pharoahe fuckin’ Monch, ain’t a damn thing changed.”

Basically the point of this blog — until November 4 — is to get you fucking PUMPED, AMPED, and PSYCHED to help win the election!!!

STOP READING ALL THESE GODDAMN BLOGS AND GO REGISTER VOTERS.

IF YOU’RE HOLDING UP THE WALL THEN YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT.

Doesn’t matter what anyone says. . . the doom and gloom ends NOW. This blog will save the U.S. economy. . . I’m about to head into a meeting with the AIG Board of Directors. . . I’ve been told they will offer me US$4,000,000 per blog post. . . basically, they will ask me to underwrite the entire postindustrial economic system with a series of LOL POSTS (my specialty) and TPM ANALYSES (my subspecialty). . . capitalism works. . . just need a bit more elbow grease. . .

Once this blog is up and running, and traffic goes through the roof and crashes the internet and the electrical grid collapses and we all eat nuts and berries for a few years, then we can start again and build a new society. . . can’t wait, let’s DO THIS.

LOL – AIG, can you feel me? LOL, LOL! Lehman (sp?) Bros., are you with me? LOL! ROTFLMAO! Wall Street, here I come. . . SMELL YA LATER. . .