Oh no, if we keep referring to the pandemic as “Swine Flu,” our nation’s hog farmers will be unfairly tarnished!!!

We must refer to it as “H1N1.001 Disease Vector #7g,” or something.

YEAH, RIGHT! SWINE FLU FOR LIFE!!!

I don’t often dream of jokes, but last night a real doozy came to me while I slumbered.

And yes, it is about T-Pain.

“Doc, I’ve got a problem. I’ve become addicted to T-Pain.”
“Well, you’re going to have to stop listening to him — I advise you go Cold T-Purkey.”

And that’s the joke I dreamed last night!

Guys, I am dealing with a demon right now — the demon of temptation.

Obama gave a press conference last night, and I don’t know what my favorite bloggers thought of it.

Would someone please transcribe my favorite bloggers’ thoughts onto a piece of parchment and staple it to a lamppost so that I can read it without violating my pledge of not reading blogs?

Thank you.

The radio says
It’s Obama’s 100 days today
I bet the blogs
are burning.

And also I heard 
about a press conference tonight
I bet the blogs
are burning.

But I wouldn’t know
because I’m 
blog-free
miles away from the burning.

Dear God, what have I done.

I’m not reading blogs, but I did just look at nytimes.com, the online home of the newspaper called “New York Times.” I skimmed an article about Tim Geithner and how much he hates investment bankers and how he’s totally on the side of the taxpayer no matter what and how he’s fighting to make sure taxpayers definitely don’t get screwed by bankers and how he’ll make sure the bankers don’t personally enrich themselves at the expense of taxpayers and how he said, “Uggh, bankers make me sick, you’ll never catch me eating lunch at the Four Seasons with a bunch of capitalist pigs — unless the lunch special is ‘deep fried capitalist pig.'”

At least, that’s what I think the article was about; I can’t know for sure until I read what my favorite bloggers have to say about it … and I can’t do that because of my scientific experiment.

MIND TRAP, NO EXIT.

I want to read a blog —

— to make sense of it all —

— but I can’t —

science comes first …

I still haven’t read a single blog today. I have NO IDEA what all my must-read political bloggers think about whatever breaking news is being broken all over the internet. Is the pig-virus pandemic still going strong down in Mexico? Or has it already made its way to the United States? I don’t know.

I understand why Bush decided to run his presidency according to the “I wanna be in a bubble” model of governance; this feels really mellow and nice.

Here I am, 90 minutes into my work week, and I haven’t looked at a single political blog. I AM MAKING INTERNET HISTORY.

I am trying to go blog-free all week as a science experiment. How will my body react to a 100% zero-blog diet? Right now, everything feels normal. No sweating, no shaking. I feel good. I feel focused. I know that somewhere out there (probably at TPM, Lord how I miss it) there’s a blistering discussion / takedown of Michael Scheuer’s (sp) crazy piece in the Sunday Post about, “What if Osama bin Laden was about to blow up America and Obama said we couldn’t torture him because he’s so intent on impressing European pacifists?” (By the way, GREAT editorial, you should really check it out … it really made me think … yes, it was definitely a well-reasoned, sane editorial.)

Anyway, I’ll let you know my progress as it progresses. WISH ME LUCK.

After last week’s Friday Face-Offs featuring T-Pain, I would be remiss if I didn’t post this:

Rep. Joe Barton of the great state of Texas had a gold-star day yesterday. He outsmarted a Nobel-Prize winner! Barton sits on the House Energy & Commerce Committee. He asked Energy Secretary Steven Chu a simple question:

“How did all the oil and gas get to Alaska?”

Chu started talking about “millions of years,” and “plates bumping into each other,” or some such nonsense. It was clear he had no idea what he was talking about and probably didn’t even know what oil was. And this guy is supposed to be the Secretary of Energy?

It was a real “the emperor has no clothes” moment. I can’t imagine how embarrassed and humiliated Chu must have felt. As the internet kids say: “MEH, FAIL LOLZ.”

Anyway, Barton was feeling pretty good about his incisive line of questioning — justifiably so — and he went on Twitter (amazing computer program that allows politicians to stay in touch with their constituents and thereby build a better-informed electorate, up to 140 characters at a time) and wrote:

“I seemed [sic] to have baffled the Energy Sec with basic question – Where does oil come from?“

SCORE!

Here are some other questions Barton should have asked:

“Why can’t I see the wind? Is it made of ghosts?”

“How did all that water get in the ocean?”

“How come sometimes when I look at a cloud, it reminds me of a shape, like a horse or an airplane or something?”

“How come things are all different colors?”

“If solar power is so great, why isn’t there a Psalm in the Bible that says, ‘Solar power is so great / that is my honest opinion, sayeth the Lord’?”

“If global warming is so real, how come I had never heard of it until people started talking about it?”

“How did this thumb on the end of my arm get stuck up my ass?”

Send me your eco-stumpers. I’ll forward them to “Nobel-Prize winner” Steven Chu — and then we’ll find out how “smart” he really so-called is.

In honor of Earth Day, I present these eco-jokes.

1. What is Mother Nature’s favorite food? RECYCLED GARBAGE.

2. What did the endangered species say to the Exxon executive who was telling jokes? STOP, YOU’RE KILLING ME.

3. Why did the chicken cross the road? TO ESCAPE THE HORRIBLE CONDITIONS AT THE TYSON FOODS PROCESSING PLANT.

4. What did Global Warming say to James Inhofe? “IT’S TRULY INSANE THAT YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN ME.”

5. What’s the difference between the fossil-fuel industry and an unstoppable plague of flesh-eating bacteria? NOT MUCH, REALLY, WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE LONG-TERM IMPACT OF BOTH.