This crazy guy Bachus is going off about his secret list of 17 socialists in Congress. Do you have any idea how pumped and excited I would be if there were 17 actual socialists in Congress? And … umm … would those socialists be very popular right now? Answer: YES. Because they would have been whining and complaining about banks and the financial sector for years and years, and now that everything has fallen apart, they would be on TV, like: “TOLD YOU SO, WHY WON’T YOU JOIN OUR SOCIALIST REVOLUTION?” and everyone would sign up to attend pro-socialist tea-sipping (not -bagging, thank you very much) parties and Glenn Beck would be the one fainting on TV, not his guests.

THE END.

Very disappointing. I went to this movie thinking it was called Fasting Furriers. I thought it was a documentary about fur-coat salesmen who go on a hunger strike to protest how evil their profession is. I was expecting to see emaciated fur-coat salesmen stumbling down 5th Avenue, weeping about “What am I doing with my life, I can’t sleep at night because of the screaming baby seals, oh God, have mercy on me.”

Instead, what do I see? A bunch of cars racing around and getting blown up and ladies in bikinis rubbing their behinds against cars and Vin Diesel standing around mumbling and looking like he literally wants to have sex with a car.

This movie has NOTHING to do with the fur trade. It has NOTHING to do with ascetic fasting as a self-annihilating moral discipline.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHEN WILL VIN DIESEL MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT ASCETIC FASTING AS A SELF-ANNIHILATING MORAL DISCIPLINE?

Two out of nine stars.

By the way, do you like the image accompanying this movie review? There are more such wonderful images here.

Just FYI on the fundraiser front, the final $100 premium (signed, bedoodled book) has been claimed by a supreme high roller. (Also from Canada, can you believe it? Canada is REPRESENTIN’. America, what’s wrong with you? Are your dollars worth so little? ALL THE MORE REASON TO SEND THEM ALONG TO ME.)

Good morning! A group of Canadians donated fifty American dollars to the MNFTIU laptop fund, so they’re the MNFTIU HIGH ROLLERS OF THE DAY.

Oh Canada, where would we be without you? America, what’s wrong with us? Why aren’t we nicer to our “neighbors to the north?”

I would like to start a new dialogue with Canada … a dialogue of mutual respect and shared interest … using the medium of money being sent to me. Please, Canada, send me some of your glorious money so that I’ll fall in love with you and tell all my friends about “You know what’s a great country? Canada.”

THANKS

I’m down to my last $100 donor premium — a signed, patriotic-doodle-spangled copy of the final GYWO collection.

If you’d like this beautiful heirloom, please donate $100 to the MNFTIU LAPTOP FUND and I will inscribe the book to you and draw all my patriotic specialties: Bald Eagle, Uncle Sam, U.S. Constitution In Flames, Mom’s Apple Pie, et al.

THANK YOU

I gotta figure out how to implement pop-up technology on this blog, so I can once again barrage you with pop-up ads! Remember when I used to support myself with corporate sponsors? I just found the ad archive on my hard drive …

TOTAL SYSTEM FILE PRODUCTS: These guys were one of my first sponsors. I remember, they took me out to eat at a French restaurant and gave me a bunch of manilla folders and paper clips. They were nice guys. But they never paid for their ad.

MASTERFUL ARTWORKS: “Masterful Artworks” was actually a one-man operation in Newark(?). I never met the proprietor. In fact, when UPS showed up at my door with a six-foot-tall box from “Masterful Artworks, LLC,” I refused to sign for it. I just had a funny feeling it was a sculpture of myself, and that if I accepted it, the guy would say it was in lieu of payment. He still hasn’t paid for his ad.

COBRA BOXES: I think somebody placed an order for some of these boxes and, sure enough, got bit by a cobra and died, and the company went out of business shortly thereafter. They never paid for their ad.

WHY NOT? BRAND CELL PHONES: I always liked these folks. It was just a mom and her son taking cell phones out of the garbage and randomly snipping wires and circuits and whatnot, and then wrapping them in Saran Wrap “packaging” and selling them at their friend’s gas station. The name of the company truly captured their spirit: Why not? They never made enough money to pay for the ad, but I didn’t care; they send me a Christmas basket every year.

SURELY (TM) BRAND WRISTWATCHES: These guys were crazy. They kept calling me about “Let us buy a pop-ad on your site, we’re gonna be in all the Macy’s stores!” and I kept refusing because of my “no jewelry ads” policy, but eventually they wore me down and I said “Okay, you can buy an ad for ONE WEEKEND,” and so they sent me this ad, and I was like, “Are you serious? Did you guys even make this watch?” and they swore they did, so I posted the ad, and they made like $50,000 in one weekend but I never got paid.

MAD CRAZY DRAIN SPOUTS: In spite of the name, these are actually good drain spouts. They sent me a bunch of samples before placing their ad. I have ’em all over the house. I drilled extra holes into my gutters just so I could add more spouts. Unfortunately I got so excited I told them the first month’s ad placement would be free … and then they never renewed so I didn’t get paid.

Do the teabag-party people think they’re engaging in contemporary political protest or historical roleplay? I guess we’ll find out on Wednesday when we see who shows up in powdered wigs or pilgrim hats or whatever.

Hundreds of Nebraskans chanted “no taxation without representation” in protest of increased government spending spawned by the stimulus bill at the state capitol Saturday …

LOL, did Nebraskan politicians succeed in convincing Nebraskans they don’t exist?

High rollers are racing to get their $50 donations in before the deadline!

Today’s high roller requested an animated gif for his buddy. He asked that the gif include an image of his buddy’s favorite pop star. His buddy is obviously insane.

BUT WE’RE NOT HERE TO JUDGE, WE’RE HERE TO TAKE HIGH ROLLERS’ MONEY.

Wouldn’t you like to buy an animated gif for your friend, lover, or mailman? It costs only fifty bucks (the price of a good cup of coffee), and the money goes to a good cause.

THANKS

I went to the computer store this weekend to check out laptops. GOOD NEWS: They’re still making laptop computers! BAD NEWS: Most of them have white keyboards, which means they’ll look all grimy and grody after a few months of hardcore blogging. GOOD NEWS: But they sell a laptop with a black keyboard, too! BAD NEWS: That model is more expensive. GOOD NEWS: I think I’ll have enough money from the fundraiser to buy it! BAD NEWS: For some reason, that model doesn’t have “Fire Wire,” which is what my external hard drive likes. GOOD NEWS: The guy at the store said, “As long as you’re buying a laptop, just buy another external hard drive. They’re cheap.” BAD NEWS: That means more money. GOOD NEWS: I think the guy at the store thought I was rich because of my hat, which means I’m in style!