As you may know, I’ve been holding a fundraiser to buy a laptop computer so that I can blog from a boat or even in a tree.

But this news about Robert Gates cutting funds for the F-22 Raptor has got me so upset and so scared for my future (and my children’s future, and their children’s children’s future’s future) that I’m going to DONATE MY FUNDS TO THE F-22.

Think about it: If we lose the F-22 Raptor, we will no longer have a fighter jet named after the raptor, which (if you saw Jurassic Park, you know) was the toughest, most deadliest and dangerous dinosaur of them all!

How will we strike fear in the hearts of North Korea’s missiles without the Raptor? I don’t know about you, but if I was a North Korean missile, I wouldn’t be scared of some wimpy jet called an F-22 Brontosaurus Leaf-Eater, or whatever. In fact, I’d be excited to chase after that plane and blow it up! Whereas, an F-22 Raptor? No way. I would hide in my missile silo, no matter how hard Dear Leader pressed the red button.

Please, won’t you help keep the F-22 flying high and proud?

THANK YOU

LOVE IT! Americans are finally waking up to the gay storm that is coming to make them all gay.

My only complaints:

1. They should have used “booming thunder” sounds, to reinforce the fact that the gay storm will be dark AND noisy;

2. They should have included a CGI dragon (gay-looking, if possible) gnashing its teeth at the Massachusetts mother whose son is being forced to have gay sex(?) in the school(?);

3. When the cute woman with glasses says, “I am afraid,” they should have intercut a brief shot of the Devil mouthing the words “AS WELL YOU SHOULD BE, FOR I SHALL MAKE ALL OF YOU BE GAY.”

4. When the guy with the Mexican(?) accent says, “The storm is coming,” they should have dumped water on him, like he got wet from the storm — like he naively thought the storm was coming, but in fact it had already arrived, like, because of Vermont letting gays marry each other and all that gay stuff, you know how gays are, with wanting to get married and all that stuff because of the gays.

Another day, another high roller. Welcome to the MNFTIU PLAYERS LOUNGE, Mr. Anonymous-donor-who-has-crazy-taste-in-proxy-names:

You too can enjoy animated-gif immortality with a donation of only $50:

THANKS

Good ol’ Roger Ebert, who seems to be entering a golden age of “I Just Don’t Give A F*ck,” has donned his stethoscope and his rubber gloves. He is this week’s Dr. Go-Offsky. Sit back and enjoy as he diagnoses and destroys Bill O’Reilly, the yelly guy from Fox.

Dr. Go-Offsky, we have sterilized the examination room, you may now go off:

I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that “very few” readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, “many more complained about Nancy.” I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that “wow” was “mom” spelled upside-down.

LOL, best summary of Nancy ever.

Bill O’Reilly, I’m begging you, PLEASE pick a fight with Roger Ebert. Please do that.

Is there any doubt that Silvio Berlusconi is still the greatest politician going?

Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian Prime Minister, appears to have made a serious verbal gaffe after telling a German TV station that the 17,000 people left homeless by the Abruzzo earthquake should consider themselves to be on a “camping weekend”.

Someday I will meet this man … dine with him … get a hair transplant with him … it will be like we’re on a camping weekend together … as I watch him skin a boar with his mind …

People keep making those $50 donations to my laptop fund, and I keep making those animated gifs.

WELCOME TO THE MNFTIU HIGH-ROLLERS’ CLUB, THE MOST EXCLUSIVE ONLINE CLUB.

Would you like to join this club? The cover charge is a mere fifty of your dollars.

THANK YOU

How do we stop North Korea’s missile program? WITH MISSILES.

Let’s petition Obama to make 50% more missiles every day. Then we’ll have enough missiles to pressure North Korea to stop messin’ around with missiles.

As long as this conflict is “Missile Vs. Missile,” we’ll be OK … for now. But what if North Korea secretly builds 10,000 missiles, each one more powerful and deadly and able-to-stay-in-the-sky than the last? Then we’ll lose the missile-fight.

Do we really want to lose an all-out “missile scrapple” with North Korea, a.k.a. The Missile Masters?

NO.

So let’s start building some missiles! Or else …

KNOCK-KNOCK.
Who’s there?
A NORTH KOREAN MISSILE THAT JUST FLEW OVER HERE, TO YOUR HOUSE.
Oh dear, why didn’t I sign that online petition at mnftiu.cc about building more missiles?
I DON’T KNOW. AND NOW YOU DIE IN MY MISSILE EXPLOSION.

=========================
PLEASE SIGN THE MNFTIU.CC MISSILE PETITION:

Dear President Obama,
You’re great and everything, but you need to start building more [EXPLETIVE] missiles or else North Korea is gonna beat us in the missile race and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have to learn North Korean just to be able to order a pizza from Domino’s Pizza (from when they conquer us due to more missiles).
Sincerely,
[YOUR NAME]
[YOUR ADDRESS]
Send this petition to your friends!

Emergency Alert! Code Red on the Blog-Alarm! Secretary of Defense Gates wants to cut funding for the F-22 Raptor! Are you kidding me? We’ve gotta save the F-22! This is the greatest fighter jet ever made, y’all!

How will we safeguard the skies without the F-22?

F-22
F-22
F-22
F-22

F-22, we love you, we need you, we need so many of you, more and more and more F-22’s, more than our enemies could ever possibly imagine!

How else will we shoot North Korea’s amazing missiles out of the sky before the explode on us? How else will we shoot Russia right in the face and wipe that smile off their face?

F-22!

What a championship! LOL, people will watch that game for generations … I was calling for Roy Williams to clear the bench with 10:52 left in the second half.

Danny Green had a total of 6 points?!? At least he kept his posture up … world’s greatest posture: DANNY GREEN. I wish I had his posture. ZERO SLOUCH FACTOR. Even when he runs, everything above the waist is totally at 90 degrees straight up ‘n’ down.

Not the most exhilarating game of all time. The only thing that really excited me (other than the outcome, of course) was that we didn’t have to suffer endless shots of Coach Izzo’s wife in the crowd.

And that’s my sports analysis for the year! ESPN, call me!

This blog would be remiss if I didn’t type that …