MAJOR BREAKING HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP … MUST CREDIT MNFTIU.CC, THE HOTTEST BLOG …

Just off the ol’ Blackberry with a major Hollywood insider who confirms the latest rumor buzzing around Hollywood:

Funnyman BILLY CRYSTAL will play foreign-policy sage WILLIAM KRISTOL in a one-man show. Rehearsals begin next month in Bristol, UK.

Show, tentatively titled “Clear As Kristol,” will follow Bill Kristol’s amazing career and inspirational personal story. Show is designed to capitalize on the buzz surrounding Kristol’s latest venture, a think thank called “Foreign Policy Initiative” that should definitely be taken seriously by everyone who cares about the future of our country … the think tank’s logo — a lopsided globe that looks like some kid made it in Adobe Illustrator in about 2.5 seconds — will inform the set design of the show, i.e. the set will be crooked and slanted and the audience will have to nail their chairs to the floor before each performance so they don’t all slide down into the lowest corner of the theatre and create a panicked mass of writhing humanity …

As to the tone of the show, one excited insider sez, “Think Mr. Saturday Night meets Project For A New American Century, this will redefine ‘off the hook,’ I can’t wait for this show, both Billy (Crystal) and Willy (Kristol) are national treasures, did you see when Billy got to train with the Yankees, that was the highpoint of Western civilization.”

Sounds good, maybe I’ll book a ticket to Bristol and write a review for the blog?

This won’t end well:

The phrase “war on terror,” for seven years a signature expression of the Bush administration, has been shelved, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton acknowledged Monday.

Have we surrendered already? Think about it: How can we win the war if it doesn’t have a name? Think on that long and hard. All the best things have names:

1. BEST MOVIE: “Basket Case” (that’s the name of the movie)
2. BEST FOOD: “Nachos” (that’s the name of the food)
3. BEST TEAM: “UNC, The Tar Heels” (that’s the name of the team)
4. BEST RADIO: “Sony Radio” (that’s the name of the radio)

All those things are the best; all those things have names. Cogito Ergo Sum.

Now try this …

1. BEST WAR WE MUST WIN: “—–” (no name!!!)
2. “Ho-hum, I guess we’ll just get killed by the enemy.”

I rest my case.

WAR ON TERROR FOR LIFE!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I got so involved in my laptop fundraiser I neglected to bring you the HOTTEST HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP from BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE FABULOUS.

Here’s what the little birds have been whispering in my ear this morning:

Andrew Dice “The Dice Man” Clay has been tapped to star in “Eternal Stammering of the Button-Down Mind,” the long-delayed BOB NEWHART BIOPIC … this counterintuitive bit of casting was an abandoned brainchild left on the doorstep of director WES CRAVEN … Craven has also requested a script re-write, replacing all of Bob Newhart’s classic comedy routines with Dice Clay’s routines … according to Craven, “this film will show audiences a side of Newhart they’ve never seen before — a side that never existed until now” … should be interesting … a biopic “mash-up,” I like this trend …

The temperature’s rising … we’re getting closer to our goal … the money is pouring in … the laptop is becoming a reality … the desktop is steaming with envy … the desktop is so jealous: “Why don’t you hold a fundraiser for me?” … too bad, desktop — the future is laptops … laptops are the best … can’t wait to buy that laptop … gonna blog from the train, the coffee shop, gonna blog from the mountain top … gonna blog every which way … even at the movies … even at the opera … gonna take my laptop to the opera and blog about the whole thing … maybe they’ll even be so charmed they’ll invite me on stage to sing a solo … but little do they know I’ll perform a GUITAR SOLO … with over twenty notes in it … I’ll totally shred it … nobody will ever listen to Wagner the same way again …

Just imagine: YOU CAN BE A PART OF HISTORY.

Please consider donating to the mnftiu laptop fund!

I’m loving it! Bill Kristol and Robert Kagan, two of the wisest foreign-policy analysts around, who never fuck up and write anything stupid and never support any dumb-ass foreign adventures and have a proven record of great judgment when it comes to foreign policy, have started a new think tank!

Once I get my laptop, I’m going to apply for an internship at FOREIGN POLICY INITIATIVE and live-blog the whole incredible, exhilarating experience!

By the way, why is the globe in their logo all lopsided and off-axis? Did someone drop a nuclear bomb on the Earth from Mars and blow it off course?

Anyway, I’m just so happy that these guys have landed OK. It would send the wrong message if Kristol and Kagan somehow suffered the slightest professional inconvenience or humiliation as a result of their astonishing record of success.

Hey gang, per my fundraiser premiums, all $50 donors get a shout-out on this blog!

Steve Gough, welcome to internet immortality!

Steve came through with a fat donation for the laptop fund.

Steve is a fluvial geomorphologist, in case you didn’t know. (Lord help us if that’s an actual job; however with the ways things are going in this crazy country, I wouldn’t be surprised. America, where did we go wrong.)

Anyway, if you’re shy or opposed to internet immortality, you can still donate lots of money to the fundraiser and I’ll respect your privacy. THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

I’ll have a full update later today, but for now let me just say we’ve got some HIGH ROLLERS stepping up to the plate! Fifty dollar donations have been flying left and right. Thanks so much; I’m getting very excited about my new laptop!

If anyone has strong feelings about what kind of laptop I should buy, let me know. Here’s a little something about me and my computer needs:

1. I love to blog. So the laptop will have to be “blog-ready.” Internet access will be a HUGE PLUS.

2. I use the Microsoft Office suite of programs for writing, spreadsheeting, and slide-presentation making.

3. I make my comics in Quark XPress 4.04 running on “Mac Classic” (OS 9). Yes I am hardcore. Did I ever say I was not hardcore? OS 9 for LIFE!!! (But I also own the Adobe Creative Suite, because someone told me Apple was no longer letting its computers run OS 9 and I’d need an OS X-compatible layout program.)

4. Does anyone want to join me in a class-action suit against Apple for discontinuing OS 9, which is twenty (thirty?) times better than OS X, which looks like a bad cartoon shot underwater, with the stupid “dock” where all your programs jump out at you like a killer clown at a funhouse and the fonts look all fuzzy on my desktop?

5. My current computer is an iMac G4 and so all my programs are for that computer but can I buy a cheap-ass Dell laptop and trick my programs into running on it?

Thanks. I’ll have more information later today!

Time to take this fundraiser to the next level! Let’s get some fundraiser premiums going here!

If you donate $50, you get: A MASSIVE SHOUT-OUT ON THIS BLOG

If you donate $100, you get: A SIGNED COPY OF THE FINAL GYWO BOOK WITH LOTS OF PATRIOTIC DOODLES ON THE COVER PAGE, MORE DOODLES THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST FANTASIES

If you donate $200, you get: YOU GET TO PICK YOUR FAVORITE SONG TO BE THE SUBJECT OF A FRIDAY FACE-OFFS (provided we can find enough versions of the song on youtube)

If you donate $500 you get: WHOA, IF YOU DONATE THIS MUCH, WE’LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT, I PROMISE

If you donate $1,000 you get: A TOTE BAG

Are you ready to make history?

THANKS

Check it out gang, I made a cool graphic (widget?) that you can look at to see how much progress we’ve made on our voyage to NEW LAPTOP WORLD.

As you can see, we’re off to a great start! Let’s keep that momentum going.

THANKS

A crew member from the Transformers sequel sent along this cell-phone footage of Clay Aiken getting into character…

Make sure you watch til the end. My prediction? This will be the greatest movie of all time.