When I fly to Wisconsin I’m going to wear my winter boots. (Because of the snow.) But I’ll have to take them off for airport security. Oh boy! I think I’ll tie them very loosely, for easy removal.

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE MNFTIU MANSION …

Just got the chance to use one of my favorite phrases! My wife just came into my office (where I was hard at work as always) and she started talking about all this stuff and whatnot and then — she tried to tell me that a PAYDAY isn’t actually a candy bar … “because it has nuts in it.”

ME: “That’s so preposterous I won’t dignify it with a response.”

GOOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!

What should I wear on my trip to Wisconsin? I’ll definitely bring my winter coat. Long underwear, of course. My brown knit hat that I love wearing all day. Should I pack my brown hoodie? Or is that too much brown? Maybe I’ll wear my new orange hoodie instead. Then I’ll be in high-visibility mode, which could be useful in case of a snow storm…

Headed to Wisconsin this weekend … one of my favorite states … flying to Detroit, then Wisconsin … “Lifestyles of the rich and infamous” …

HERE ARE THE LATEST POLLS ABOUT COLDS!!! MUST CREDIT MNFTIU!!!

POLL #1: Symptoms (sample size = 3,025)
SNEEZES: 59%
SNIFFLES: 24%
COUGHS: 50%
HEADACHE: 33%

POLL #2: Sniffle type (sample size = 20,056)
“Drippy”: 52%
“Snorty”: 29%
“Honker”: 44%
“Slurpy”: 14%
“Old-school, straight-up sniffle”: 36%

POLL #3: “What’s your favorite song about COLDS?” (sample size = 630 music industry insiders)
“Coughing in the Club” (Stetsasonic): 10%
“Sneezy the Factory Worker” (Bruce Springsteen): 12%
“Grab the Kleenex ‘N’ Go” (Bill Hailey and the Comets): 4%
“Blow Your Nose On My Face” (Axl Rose solo career): 30%

Only two letters separate coughing from laughing . . .

“What did the cough say to the runny nose?”
“What?”
“Let’s spend the night together.”
(This is about how hard it is to sleep when you’re coughing and sniffling.)

“Why was the kid with the cold denied internet access?”
“Why?”
“Because someone said he had a HACKING COUGH.”

“Who is a sneeze’s favorite Star Wars character?”
“Who?”
“AH-CHOOBACCA.”

“What do you get when you win the SNEEZE OLYMPICS?”
“What?”
“A COLD MEDAL.”

More slammin’ jokes from the world of the sick . . .

“Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get a good night’s sleep when he had a cold?”
“Why?”
“Because of his coughin’ (coffin).”

“What’s the difference between bubblegum and cough medicine?”
“I don’t know, what?”
“Nothing. Neither of them stop coughs FOR SHIT.”

“What is a sneeze’s favorite kind of train?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me.”
“AH-CHOO CHOO TRAIN!!!”

“What’s the favorite song made by Foreigner for someone who has a cold when they’re listening to it?”
“I don’t know, what?”
“COLD AS ICE.”

“What kind of telemarketing is done by people when they have a cold?”
“I don’t know, what kind?”
“COLD-CALLING.”

“What temperature of water does if feel terrible to get splashed with when you have a cold?”
“I don’t know.”
“COLD.”

“What’s a person with a cold’s favorite kind of lunch meat?”
“I don’t know.”
“COLD CUTS.”

“Why did the guy with the cold try to enter his nose in the marathon?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“BECAUSE HE HAD A ‘RUNNY’ NOSE.”

“When the Lord was handing out colds, I though he was handing out alarm clocks, so I asked for one with a big SNEEZE BUTTON!” (Pronounce like “Snooze Button”)

I’m loving the new war between TPM and Politico!

I’m backing TPM in this clash of the titans. Keep sniping, JMM!