Great deals on Senate seats for the holidays!

I dropped $50,000 without thinking twice!

Get ’em while they’re hot!

. . . . THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!

I dropped $22,305 without blinking!

I even bought the SuperForeman Grill — it’s the size of a tanning bed. Puts off a lot of heat.

(LOL, George Foreman Grill jokes; am I on the cutting edge of comedy right now?)

. . . spent $10,450 on Christmas gifts!

Lookin’ good!

LOL, though, they don’t sell the George Foreman Grill — and they get really touchy if you stand at the entrance to the store and scream, “WHERE’S THAT GRILL I SAW FROM THE TEEVEE?”

More shopping stories soon . . .

What a difference seven years makes!

The flow of (Afghan) returnees has slowed since 2006. But here in the eastern part of the country, which has absorbed more than 60 percent of this year’s nearly 300,000 returnees, the situation is dire.

In a clear sign that life is untenable for many new arrivals, 40 percent of Afghan returnees left the nation again in 2007, citing insecurity and a lack of shelter and jobs, according to the Afghanistan Independent Human Rights Commission.

My emphasis.

Refugee crisis, food scarcity, a hard winter approaching . . . we got unexpected twists all over the place! LOL, “Who’s writing this foreign policy, M. Night Shyamalan?”

Please watch this video about how different things are in Afghanistan as opposed to seven years ago. Things are so different, it’ll make your head spin. I guess it’s understandable, though — after all, it’s only been seven years. What could you possibly hope to accomplish in a mere seven years? Years, months, minutes, it’s all the same, right? Time is, like, totally relative ‘n’ stuff. So if you’re wondering why things aren’t better after seven years, it’s like asking why things aren’t better after seven minutes, dig? How could you fix anything in seven minutes, right? You can’t even listen to an entire RUSH song in seven minutes, can you? So how could you do anything in seven years, since a year is like a minute?

LOL, I made this comic in October 2001, seven years ago.

Does anyone read these? I thought posting any and all articles about GYWO would whip the media into a total frenzy and propel my book onto the bestseller list . . . but perhaps it just makes me look like a desperate monomaniac?

WHO CARES?!? “Don’t hide your light under a bushel,” right?

“This little light of mine, I’ve gotta let it shine,” right?

“Buy fifty copies or else,” right?

In any case, two articles from two of the hottest publications in all the land:

CHRONOGRAM (Hottest magazine in the Hudson Valley — which is a magical valley where all the richest millionaires — like me — live.)

STYLE WEEKLY (Hottest magazine in Richmond — which is the best city on the come-up, LOL, small scene burnin’ up in Richmond, LOL, I hear they have the best Christmas carolers.) This is the article where I talk about my new musical venture with a certain soon-to-be-ex-president:

REES: We’d have to see how the first LP does, the first EP. We’re gonna record it, he’s got a private studio in Crawford — a lot of space, just a nice vibe, nice big acoustic room. You know, you … get some of that room sound in the mix. And just lay down some tracks, and try to get on Warped Tour next summer, and hopefully people will come out.

(Photograph by Jennifer May.)

REMINDER: I’m doing one of my final NYC GYWO readings tonight in the super-hip neighborhood of DUMBO (I only read in the hippest neighborhoods; email me if you need the passcode to enter this ultra-exclusive nabe).

David Rees live
Melville House
145 Plymouth St.
Brooklyn, NY
7:00 PM

See you there . . . don’t forget to bring Kanye West (hip rapper, in case you didn’t know).

SPREAD THE WORD: Friday Face-Offs is BACK tomorrow.

BACK stronger than ever . . .

FRIDAY more than ever . . .

FACES COMIN’ OFF harder than ever . . .

I grew up in the Episcopal church. (Chapel of the Cross junior choir, represent.) I’m not religious anymore, but there’s nothing more bittersweet than attending service in a church that’s, like, 10% full and 90% senior citizen.

I know, as an atheist I should dream of empty churches on Sunday morning, but actually being in one is a TOTAL BUMMER.

Anyway, forcing a schism because you’re scared of gay marriage is one way to kill your church.

Have fun with the archbishops of Africa, I hear those guys are pretty sane when it comes to gay people.

LOL, what do they know about cluster bombs?

In a surprising last-minute change of policy, the government of President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan agreed Wednesday to join about 100 nations signing a treaty banning the use of cluster munitions, Afghan officials said.

The decision appeared to reflect Mr. Karzai’s growing independence from the Bush administration, which has opposed the treaty and, according to a senior Afghan official who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue, had urged Mr. Karzai not to sign it.

My oomph-sasis.