Yes, yes, I am a fiend for hats. I usually wear PAUL SMITH RUMPLED SPIRIT FEDORAS ($850), though I have been known to sport the infamous PRADA ULTRA-SOMBRERO WITH WI-FI BRIM ($2,100).
If I had $150K, I’d probably invest in some of the newer models like TONY HAWK’S SKATEBOARD CAP WITH BUILT-IN SKATEBOARD HELMET ATTACHED TO THE CAP ($900).
Readers are flooding my inbox asking if I’d spend any of my $150,000 fashion budget on high-end toe separators, those things you stick in between your toes to give your foot more definition when you’re wearing thin, slinky socks.
Answer: YES. Put me down for $550 worth of PAUL MITCHELL HAIR SALON TOE SEPARATORS.
SHIRTS: I prefer the classic, British-style dress shirt. Five buttons on each cuff, two cuffs per sleeve. Side vents below each armpit stitch, herringbone stitch included on the outside seams. Thread count of 1,250 per parts per million using the finest twines and strings. Twenty seams per thread. Color? Lavender, beige, and smuffle (if you don’t know about this color, don’t worry — it’s only available for the most exclusive fashion people, like me). My preferred brand is JOSPEH FERRAGAMO STUDIO FOR MEN A LA ITALIA PRIMO VERIZIONE, which is sold at Louis Vuitton boutiques and the post office. $2,000 per shirt? Put me down for ten shirts and call me in the morning.
Everybody’s in a tizzy about the McCain camaign (or the RNC or whoever) spending $150,000 on clothes for Sarah Palin.
Girlfriend, if you think that’s a lot of money to spend on clothes, you never met David Rees, the hottest new blogger on the scene.
I could burn through 150K in about, oh, two hours at Saks. Or Neiman Marcus. Or Gucci. Or even Fendi for Men. Not to mention Ferragamo and Bendel(?) and Brooks Brothers Extreme Luxury Label.
Here’s how I’d do it:
SHOES: Gotta have good shoes. Ladies always check out the footwear, so you can just bet I’d be stepping out in some KENNETH COLE ALLIGATOR-TRIM SANDALS WITH EXTRA TOE OPENINGS. These things are so fly! ($1,000 / pair; I’d probably buy ten pairs in all different colors to I could mix and match.)
SOCKS: Socks are the original foot covering, sometimes even more important than shoes. For this reason, I would spare no expense: NEIMAN MARCUS LIMITED EDITION KNEE-HIGH SATIN SOCKS WITH REAL GOLD THREAD MADE OUT OF PURE GOLD. Everyone I know in the fashion world is raving about these fucking socks. I’d buy, like, five pairs at $250 / pair!
KNEE INSERTS: Most slobs don’t know about knee inserts, but these are little pads you wear on your knees so they don’t get chafed by your trouser legs. If I had $150K, I’d probably indulge in a pair of JEROME GUCCI, JR. PLATINUM LINE KNEE INSERTS WITH PASHIMINA-INFUSED THREAD STITCHING AT A THREAD COUNT OF 2,000 THREADS PER SQUARE FOOT. These are basically the Cadillac of knee inserts. I would definitely be rocking them! (I might even wear them outside my pants legs, just to make all the other politicians green with envy at how awesome and protected my knees are!)
TROUSERS: The true mark of a gentleman is whether his trousers make you want to faint because they are so beautiful. For me, there’s only one trouser worth the name “trouser,” and that is TOMMY BAHAMAS ANNIVERSARY EDITION SUPER-STRETCHY-YET-CLASSY HUNTSMAN TROUSER, a.k.a. “BIG RUFUS THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ SUPER-PANTS.” Have you seen these yet? Probably not, because you weren’t at the Milan fashion show like I was, hanging out with Kanye West and Marigold Manson(?) and some other famous person I didn’t recognize because I was even more famous than they were and they were too busy trying to talk to me and I was like, “Bro, you need to back up because I’m trying to investigate these trousers!” I would buy maybe twenty pairs of trousers at $3,000 a pop. “You can never have too many pairs of trousers,” that’s one of my mottos (along with “I’ll buy anything once”).
MORE SOON . . .
Glad to see Rudy’s back in the mix, making robocalls for John McCain!
I almost forgot about America’s Mayor . . . a true hero . . . not afraid to “take the fight to the enemy” . . . a brave man, a family man . . . also, just a plain ol’ nice guy . . . who can forget his sneering contempt for community organizers at the RNC . . . was that a pinnacle of contemporary American political discourse? YES. . .
LOL, I remember watching C-Span one day and they had a live feed from a Rudy campaign stop in Florida during the primary . . . he bounded off the bus and into the adoring crowd of at least fifteen people . . . LOL, he started talking about a mission to Mars and the crowd went wild . . . so wild, I think maybe nine of them clapped . . . I almost felt sorry for him . . . then I remembered my policy of not feeling sorry for world-class assholes, no exceptions . . .
THE STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS IS BACK!!!!
I think we just made history, guys: I typed “LOL” about something that ACTUALLY MADE ME LOL!
It is my pleasure to post this video of McCain supporters acting with integrity.
(I saw the video here.)
Really listen this time.
When I resume my live broadcast, remind me to tell you about last Friday, when I visited MoMA (yes, the famous museum) to give a lecture to teenagers about my comics . . . and then led a workshop where we all made comics.
LOL, did I open Pandora’s Box very much with that one?!?