As the winds of change howled around us in 2016, we could rest assured that our papers and files would not be swept away … thanks to our turtle paperweights. Simply put, turtle paperweights are paperweights shaped like turtles, and they truly dominated headlines (and our dreams) throughout the past year. Any year is a good year for turtle paperweights, but 2016 was on a whole different level. It was spectacular. “If you’re not in the turtle paperweight game, get off the field,” could well be 2016’s official motto.

Here are the TOP TEN TURTLE PAPERWEIGHTS OF 2016:

10. Decent turtle paperweights

9. Ceramic turtle paperweights

8. When you look at a nice turtle paperweight

7. Heavy turtle paperweights that do their job

6. “Did you see the new turtle paperweight? It’s for sale”

5. Humorous turtle paperweights that bring a smile to the user’s face

4. Brass turtle paperweights

3. Collectible turtle paperweights

2. Historic turtle paperweights

1. Perfection

Lights, camera, action, movies! Let’s zoom in …

If there’s any doubt that America has fallen in love with the movies, 2016 put it to rest. From the latest blockbuster smashes to keenly observed indie dramas, this was the year movies grew up. They went from being a weekend hobby to a serious art form firing on all cylinders and changing the world. Movies inspired us, informed us, and inflamed us. They showed us the best — and worst — that the movies have to offer.

Simply put, if you wanted to be part of the cultural conversation in 2016, you had to see movies. Sometimes movies were the only thing that made sense. Our moment called for movies, and they replied — with gusto. Many movies were released in the past year. Movies have now joined the pantheon of immortal art — they’re loud and they’re proud — so you might as well get used to it. And you might as well grab another bag of popcorn because we’re going to the movies!

Here are THE BEST MOVIES OF 2016:

10. Good movies you kinda liked

9. Movies that showed you a new way of looking at the world

8. “Hennnnry!” “Yes dear?” “Take me to the movies.” “Okay.”

7. (TIE) Creative movies / Historical movies

6. When you see a new movie

5. Movies made by visionaries that mark a bold new chapter in American cinema, how lucky we are to be alive during this time of movie magic

4. Streaming movies

3. When you go grocery shopping after you see the movie

2. Amazing movies

1. Greatest movie of all time

Our world has always loved innovators. These brave men and women have the courage and vision to disrupt our everyday practices, introducing new ways of doing old familiar things … or unfamiliar ways of doing things that have never been thought of before. In the field of history, they stand tall as “first in field,” and we are all the better for it. To take just one example: You can order a car with your phone now. Imagine trying to explain that to your great-great-grandfather … and then, thank your local innovator.

Of course, innovators aren’t limited to the private sector. We can also see their work in business, commerce, politics, and entertainment. So let’s salute the rebels, renegades, and radicals that keep our country — and our world — tumbling forward in the grand somersault of joyous innovation.

Here are the TOP TEN INNOVATORS OF 2016:

10. Your mom

9. People who see things differently

8. Experimenters

7. Geniuses

6. Hard workers

5. (TIE) Einstein-like people / Hollywood visionaries

4. Tech culture innovators

3. Financial innovators

2. Some of the greatest innovators

1. Nobody will ever top these legendary innovators

Given what a crazy year this has been, where would we have been without our favorite new songs? Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, you just need to slip on your earbuds and fly away on the wings of your favorite new song. No matter what happens in the great wide world, music producers and singers (and even rappers as well) continue to put out great, genre-defying music — audio ecstasy that hits that special “sweet spot” between our ears, our hearts, and our brains. 2016 is the year that finally proved what we’ve long suspected: Pop music isn’t just for kids anymore.

From topical concept albums to candy-floss one-hit wonders, from Broadway hip-hop to grunge, this was the year pop music showed it can be as ambitious, textured, and masterful as the finest masterpieces of the Renaissance artists. In fact, it might be even better — because after all, when’s the last time you heard someone humming along to the Sistine Chapel ceiling? Ouch! Zing! Put that in your pipe and vape it! (Vaping is a new way of smoking)

One more point: Songs are one of the most effective units of music. That simple fact must be acknowledged.

Here are the TOP TEN SONGS OF 2016:

10. Great songs

9. The new songs everyone likes

8. Exciting songs

7. Rock ‘n’ Roll forever

6. Rap songs

5. “Is she singing or screaming? I can’t tell anymore — and I DON’T CARE”

4. Retro songs

3. Fast songs

2. Gotta love all these wonderful songs

1. Chart-topping hits

It’s no secret that Americans love spaghetti and crave it day and night. From Italian restaurants to the cute little trattoria down the street, when it comes to dinner there’s only one game in town: It’s called spaghetti and its rules are simple: Have fun and fill your belly with my wonderful noodles. Touchdown! Game, set, and match. Advantage: Spaghetti.

2016 was no different.

Here are the TOP TEN SPAGHETTIS OF 2016.

10. Dry spaghetti

9. Pretty nice spaghetti

8. “Mmm, say, I like this spaghetti”

7. Humble spaghetti

6. When bae says, “Do you want to know something?” And you’re like, “Okay,” and she (or he says) “My father owns a spaghetti factory … that means we get unlimited spaghetti for life!!!” And your tummy is so happy 🙂

5. When you cook whole wheat spaghetti

4. (TIE) Midnight spaghetti / Spaghetti technologies

3. Different kinds of spaghetti

2. Fantastic spaghetti

1. Perfect spaghetti

“Get ready for blast-off!”

Scandals are the rocket fuel that shoots our prurient interest through the atmosphere of the everyday, all the way up to the stars. And it’s even more fun when stars are actually involved in the scandals! (Movie stars, that is.)

It’s these stumblings and snafus that bring even the “high and mighty” back down to earth, where they land with a “plop” that reminds us: “All humans are flawed, and no man shall stand above me in judgment, who has not also pooped his own pants on occasion,” as the Bible surely says somewhere in one of its many pages.

And 2016 was no different. Some days it seemed the scandals were almost getting out of control. We saw entertainment scandals, financial scandals, and even — at the highest level — scandals in the art world. When it came to 2016, the only real scandal was how many scandals there were.

Here are the TOP TEN SCANDALS OF 2016:

10. Horrible scandals

9. Weird scandals

8. Boring scandals you can’t understand, but will eventually impact your life

7. Foreign scandals

6. Female-friendly scandals

5. Historical scandals

4. Scandals that come out of nowhere

3. Scandals that were with us all along

2. Terrific scandals

1. “Get me a list of the hottest scandals! Oooh, this one is the very best!”

From the runways of Milan to the edgy sidewalks of Bushwick, from the streets of Tokyo to the boulevards of Paris, fashion was all about raw energy in 2016 — and raw energy is always where it’s at.

Fashion is the most intimate of art forms: It literally “clothes” us in creativity. Whether it’s a new scarf from a fashion-forward boutique or a handsome blazer scored from a vintage shop, if it’s fashion you’re after, then you’ll always find what you’re looking for … after a fashion.

And 2016 was no different. We saw styles that separated the men from the boys … the bridesmaids from the brides … the goats from the ghosts (this is fashion-insider lingo, I bet). The point is, when it comes to stylish clothes? Fashion is still the only game in town.

Here are the TOP TEN FASHIONS OF 2016:

10. Raggedy-ass fashions no sane person would ever wear, i.e. the definition of “hot mess,” i.e. don’t burn your fingers on that mess — it’s THAT hot — Tsssss! (sizzle sound) … ACK! I tried to warn you! Now your fingers are burned and I need to drive you to the hospital — my soup will get cold on account of this inconvenience! All because of that stank-fart outfit nobody would ever wear … I hereby take a lifelong pledge of “extreme nudity” in protest of these failed fashions … chicken noodle soup

9. Decent fashions

8. Men’s fashions

7. Comfortable fashions

6. (TIE) Shoes / Dressy women’s fashions

5. Red-carpet looks showcasing blue-collar authenticity*

4. Mom and Dad got dressed up to go out to dinner

3. When the end comes, just make sure I look good and am wearing my FINAL FASHIONS

2. Fashions we can believe in

1. No joke? The greatest fashions ever created, bar none, gold medal for these fashions

(*This description came to me in a burst of inspiration, I think I have cracked the code of fashion with this entry.)

Keeping up with trends is a full-time job. Fortunately, this job comes with benefits: The benefits of being in-the-know, up-to-date, and cutting-edge cool. Trends keep us grounded in the now while flying into the future. It’s the best of both worlds, and that’s a pretty good place to be.

2016 was a groundbreaking year for trends. As our planet continued to flatten thanks to the telecommunication revolution, we saw trends moving at the speed of light, which meant we were more connected than ever. The currency of trends became our lingua franca, and the language of cool was hotter than ever. If you want to know what separates us from the lesser animals, the answer is staring you in the face — at the latest sneaker store, on the hippest web sites, inside the most exclusive clubs that are totally lit and on fleek to the highest degree … it’s all about TRENDS.

Let’s celebrate our ingenuity and our reckless spirit of creativity, a spirit which defined 2016. Let’s talk trends. Here are the TOP TEN TRENDS OF 2016:

10. Shoes

9. Music

8. Food

7. Culture

6. Memes

5. The hottest trends

4. Trending topics

3. “Hey — you got your trend in my style! But don’t worry, it’s allllll good.”

2. A friend in need needs a trend indeed, so don’t end the trends, friends? It all depends…

1. Hip trends

There’s an old saying on the internet: “Sex sells.” And is it any wonder? Our natural, beautiful bodies have always given us pleasure and titillation. Forbidden desires erupt into passionate flames when we take off our clothes and admire our birthday suits.

Our culture reflects this fascination with sex, and 2016 saw more sexual imagery and adult themes than any year in history. And thanks to cable television and the internet, sex has never been easier to enjoy from afar.

In fact, why don’t we engage in a little “adult role play” to underscore this point? I’ll be the judge, and you be the accused criminal who has been charged to appear in my court.

ME (Judge): Do I see the defendant before me?

YOU (nervous): Yes, your honor.

ME (Judge): And do you know about … sex?

YOU (blushing): Yes I do your honor.

ME (Judge): And how do you plead???

YOU (going crazy with desire): Tee-hee, I am guilty, guilty as charged! Guilty of being naughty and knowing about sex!!!

ME (Judge): You must pay a substantial fine.

THE END

Whether it’s an erotic encounter, a touch of silk, or a candlelit bubblebath that includes full coitus, sex takes us out of the day-to-day and into the realm of romance. So let’s get a little frisky and celebrate the BEST SEX OF 2016:

10. Hardcore sex

9. Erotic sex

8. Pretty good sex

7. (TIE) Sex in movies and books / Reproductive sex

6. Adult themes

5. Wondrous sex

4. Sexual encounters that will leave you breathless

3. Humanoid sex that confirms our biological functions

2. Mind-blowing sex

1. The most fantastic sex in human history

Let’s face it: America’s love affair with lettuce isn’t ending anytime soon.

Our humble, leafy green friend is always there for us — through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, doing its duty, a devoted servant to our nutritional desires. Simply put, lettuce is America’s favorite food and probably one of our main crops. And we’re all the better for this simple fact.

Is it any wonder lettuce is known as “The Queen of Vegetables?” Far from it: It’s no wonder at all.

And when it comes to lettuce, 2016 was no different. From chic salads to humble piles of lettuce, if there’s one thing we learned, it’s that lettuce is always terrific. In this crazy, mixed up salad we call life, the winner is always lettuce. Every time.

And if you disagree? Well, you’ve got another “lettuce thing” coming.

So let’s take a moment to celebrate the best of lettuce. Here are the TOP TEN LETTUCES OF 2016.

10. Salad lettuces

9. Boutique lettuces

8. Amazing lettuces

7. “Let us” enjoy some fresh lettuce

6. Lettuce that speaks to the way we live now

5. Mmm, lettuce

4. Some of the freshest lettuce

3. Modern lettuces

2. (TIE) Crispy, ice-cold lettuce / Colorful lettuce

1. Lettuce that brings out the best in all of us